coinedtorpe.blogspot.com

100 days

2007-02-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

- i found this just this afternoon from a blog i randomly scanned. Incidentally the blogger got it also from his friend's blog but anyway i just hope we'll be in the same spirit afterwards.

Mark and Tina are sitting in the park doing nothing, but just gazing into the sky, while all their friends are having fun with their respectivepartners.

Tina: (sighs) I'm sooo bored. Just wish I have a boyfriend right now to spend some time with!

Mark: Well... I guess we're the only left overs in the group. We're the only persons who don't have a date right now.(both sigh and sit in silence for a while)

Tina: I think I have a good idea! Lets play a game!

Mark: Oh?... What game?

Tina: It's quite simple! You be my boyfriend for 100 days and I'll be your girlfriend for 100 days!(She grins at Mark) What do you think?

Mark: (Laughs) gee... ok! Anyway I don't have anyp lans for the next few months... (laughs again)

Tina: (wrinkles her nose at Mark and playfully punches his arm) You sound like you're not looking forward to it at all! C'mon, cheer up! Today will beour first day and our first date. Now, where should we go? (smiles sweetly at Mark)

Mark: hmm... what about a movie? I heard there's a really great one in the theater right now.
Tina: Cool! Seems like I don't have any bette ride as than that. Let's go! (They both went to watchtheirmovie and sent each other home)

Day 2:Mark and Tina went to a concert together, andMark bought Tina a keychain with a star.

Day 3:They went shopping together for a friend's birthday present. Shared an ice-cream together and hugged each other for the first time.

Day 7:Mark drove Tina up a mountain and they watched the sunset together. When night came and the moon glowed, they said sat on the grass gazing at the stars together. A meteor passed by. Tina mumbles something.

Day 25:They spend time at a theme park and rode the rollercoasters, and ate hotdogs and cottoncandy. Mark and Tina went into the park's haunted house and Tina grabbed someone else's hand instead of Mark's hand by mistake. They laughed about it together for a while.

Day 67:They drove pass a circus and decided to watch the show. The midget there asked Tina to play apart as his assistant in the magic show. They then went around to see the other entertainments around after the show. Tina went to a fortune teller,to which the fortune teller just said "Treasure every moment from now on" and a tear rolled down the fortune teller's cheek.

Day 84:Tina suggested that they go to the beach. The beach wasn't so crowded that day. They have their first kiss with each other just as the sun sets.

Day 99:They decided to just have a simple day together,and have a walk around the city. They both sitdown on a bench

1:23 pm
Tina: I'm thirsty. Let's rest for a while first.

Mark: (stands up and smiles at her) Wait here while I go buy some drinks. What will you have?

Tina: (Looks up at him with a sweet smile on her face) Uhmm... Apple juice will be fine!

1:43 pm
Tina waits for about 20 minutes and still Mark has not returned. Then someone rushes up to her.

Stranger: Miss, weren't you with a guy just a moment ago? (He then describes Mark's features.)

Tina: (carefully answers with rising dread)Yes...why?

Stranger: Just now down there on the street a drunk driver crashed into a guy! I think it's your friend!

Her heart hammering in her chest, Tina ran over to the spot with the stranger and sees Mark lying on the road with blood all over his face and her apple juice still in his hands. The ambulance arrived and she went to the hospital with Mark. Tina sat outside the emergency room for five and a half hours as doctors fought to save Mark's life.Finally,a doctor came out with a sigh. He walks over to Tina.

11:51 pm
Doctor: I'm sorry, but we did the best we could.He's still breathing... but God would take him away from us very soon. ...and we found this letter inside his pocket.

With a grim face, the doctor sadly hands over the letter to Tina and walks away. She goes into the room to see Mark. He looks weak ...but peaceful.Tina sits on his bedside and reads the letter.She bursts into tears.

Here is what the letter said:
Tina, our 100 days is almost over. I had fun with you during all these days. Although you may be greedy sometimes and quite unthoughtful, all these nevertheless brought happiness into mylife.I have realized too late that you're a really cute and kind girl and I blame myself for never having taken the time to realize it earlier. I have nothing much to ask for, but I just wish that we can somehow extend the day. I want to be your boyfriend forever,Tina... and I wish that you can be beside me for all time. ...Tina, I love you. -Mark

11:58
Tina: (sobbing) Mark? Do you know what was thewish that I made on the night the meteor passed by..? I asked God to let us last forever! We were supposed to last 100 days Mark! You can't leave me! ...I LOVE YOU! Can you come back to me now? 100 days can't be enough! I love you Mark! ILOVE YOU!!!

Tina lay sobbing by Mark's bedside, clutching his still hand ...and as the clock struck twelve,Mark'sheart stopped beating. 100 days have passed.

For every heart that finds a love, there is a heart that cries. For every dream that is reborn, there is a dream that dies.For every day filled with sun, there is a day of rain. For every hour filled with joy, there is an hour of pain. For every smile upon a face, there is a tear to cry.For every fond hello, there is a sad goodbye...

- http://grilledcheeze.blogspot.com

Burnt tongue

2006-11-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

today, i realize that i was wrong... i realize what i thought was impossible isn't or maybe my mind is mislead by the overwhelming flow of feelings... feelings of pain, feelings of satisfaction, happiness and need.

I just miss her... someone i just once saw... someone i never really met... someone whom i never actually talk to -- well once over the phone. I know I barely talk to her and never did i was with her but it seemed that i knew her much already.

Sometimes I badly miss her yet when she's there i can't utter a word or two... I don't know... probably she thinks that it's a joke, everytime I say I miss her but damn I really do. I do sometimes feel bad when I know I have all the time to converse with her but I just can't maximize the time. I'm afraid just too afraid of what she might think.

Yeah right... i dont know exactly... uhm i just couldn't think what to write more... we'll most important thing i guess is that when she's there i'm happy... she's my kakulitan... she's someone who can utter words to me that maybe others aren't able to tell me... like baliw! tamad! and kahit ano.. hehe and i am comfortable talking to her na parang joke pero totoo namn uhm "smooth talking" kung baga... i don't know.. i am just overwhelmed probably. Maybe.

everything seemed so wrong between us. lahat may gap and space... pero it just feels so right.

going the extra mile

2006-11-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

reassesing for quite sometime now and i just realize that maybe i'm too safe that's why whom ever i like doesn't really see me as someone more than friends.

i am not the type who asks permission really... i mean for me asking permission to court is spoiling everything. I don't like the idea of making a contract before hand... it somewhat gives the notion of "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth"everything has a price.It's like saying, " I will do everything as long as..." it is getting away from the risk of not succeeding.

some if not most girls would actually prefer being asked because they say that it shows respect. One friend of mine though stand that giving permission for a guy to court is some what saying that you accept the guy as your boyfriend... the courtship then after is just merely formality. If you said yes to a guy for courtship and at the end won't allow him to be your boyfriend, would then implicate that the you were just taking advantage of what ever you gained in the process or simply "pinapa-asa lang yung guy". That's according to a girl friend of mine.

Anyway, for me i don't really ask permission... i mean from wherever we started (time we met) and to wherever it may lead, i just go with the flow... when i fall ... i fall... that's it... actions unplanned... it just comes out... but maybe timing is where the problem enters... hehe i just don't know when to say and when not to say... being torpe comes out... and everything just seemed not right... hahayz

going the extra mile is not a problem though because for me loving is more than words (is all you have to do to make it real)... naks! lol. btaw i just show it like any other torpe i guess and this statement--- "action speaks louder than words" ...may be untrue.

girl friend's bf trouble

2006-11-16T20:48:00.000+08:00

well over the years i've realized maybe im not really boyfriend material... you know? but its kinda confusing though because for the nth time i'm appreciated by my girl friends -- not girlfriends okey.

they would usually compare me to their boyfriends, how ironic when i guess everyone that i like doesnt see me as such. hahaha I know their boyfriends and they know me but i just can't figure out why my friends seemed to like my company than their boyfriends. lol.

Incident #1: my girl friend is more likely to hang her arms on mine publicly than his boyfriend.

Incident #2: a girl friend of mine interestingly talks to me even if her bf's around.

Incident #3: i'm their crying shoulder lol. but ofcourse im not edwin mccain who would say i'll be
their crying shoulder. they just come to me and share.

Incident #4: one wishes that her bf's like me. waaaah! that feels good but common' that's
trouble.

Incident #5: prefers to be with me in a group walk than his bf?! lol. that would be alarming.

Well I need to do some reassessing of myself. Why would they think im bf material when everyone i like doesnt.. for sure they don't wear the same eyes. of course duh.

Now I remember this funny kulitan with my barkadas, because they would constantly say that I'll be fine, If I am to be a boyfriend. One of my barkadas is one of my crush back then but she dumped me lol. thats hyperbole. Well one of those highschool crushes that is and she didn't mind me back then. Then now during those barkada tambay sessions as i said they would constantly appreciate my being me and this friend of mine(crush ko dati) would ride on and say her piece and i would jokingly respond and say:"yan kc dati di mo ko pinapansin" or someone would comment similar things and we would just laughed it out. hahayz

anyway with the sample incidents above and similar occasions i feel awkward and i know it's trouble. all i can do is just to talk to my friends about it and give my sermon. I'm not insensitive and i don't want that to happen to me also.

kaya to their boyfriends: dont worry guys I wont take away your girlfriends and rest assured that im on your side lol.

defining love

2006-09-12T09:20:00.000+08:00

dillema arises from time to time... we become confuse most especially when it comes to feelings because sometimes feelings can be vague or deceptive. there is a thin line between feeling in love and not.

there is no exact definition of love.... that's why when we love we just don't say it-- we do it.

a counselor said loving has three essential components...

PASSION , INTIMACY and COMMITMENT

Passion can be refered to as the mere feeling for a person, Intimacy on the other hand can be considered as the closeness between to individuals and not plain sex and Commitment? it's self-explanatory.

Now there are four -- i don't know how to call it -- phases probably of love... or maybe kinds or types and these includes (1) Infatuation, (2) Companionate Love (3) Fatuous Love and the last (4) Consumate Love.

(1) Infatuation - its all Passion and some commitment.

(2) Companionate Love - it has intimacy and Commitment... the kind that couples (who had their golden anniversary hehe) have.

(3) Fatuous Love - there's passion and commitment but less intimate. this is the kind that long distance relationships has.

(4) Consumate Love - this is the love that move mountains. it has all three.

well that is one person's view point... actually the psychology point of view.

Infatuation for me is all about feeling and obsession maybe commitment because of being stuck on one person but other than that commitment does not really exist and it is a one person love for another and not mutual.

Sometimes there is a thin line between loving the person o loving each other and loving the company of one other. A friend recently has this confusion and well i guess she decided to cut the relationship out since she thinks that the kind of relationship she had with her boyfriend is the kind wherein you are both comfortable with each other, you enjoy each others company but there is no clear barriers like third parties and all other issues. Friends with benefitsand not exclusively dating. I understand though the psychology point of view... the feelings are gone but companionate and intimacy is still there. We were studying at the park with some peers weeks ago when we saw this couple actually around 60s already who were strolling side by side with each other and our girl friends (not girlfriends.. okey?!) sighed and said there sentiments.

i could imagine them singin ala sharon cuneta... "kahit maputi na ang buhok ko.." hay.

Now fatuous love is the love for someone a far... "long long distance love affair ohoooh i can't find you anywhere whoooh i'll call you on the telephone" hehe well i don't know how to expound more... but i have to disagree with what was stated that there is absence of intimacy Coz i guess you can always have an intimate relationship with somebody even if you're miles and miles away but maybe if inimate is boxed in with "sex and lust" hehe then maybe it would be impossible to have intimacy on a long distance relationship.

Consumate Love is self explanatory. It is the ideal kind of love perhaps. It is a balance between passion, intimacy and commitment.

now question... where do you fall? well me...

secret. hahahaha btaw. i don't know for now.

figurin' out

2006-09-02T19:21:00.000+08:00

I think since i've started blogging, this is the longest time that I haven't posted. It's not that I am no longer interested in this blog but I just don't know what to write or I've got apprehensions of writing more of what's happening to me.

Life has been too favorable to me this past few weeks and i don't know-- im just happy. I've moved on so much from that of Jicas' and I'm 99 % sure of that, well i guess I am. I'm not longing for her unlike before. We don't communicate anymore, haven't heard anything from her lately. The last time we actually converse was the time when I told her about the blog. Ofcourse no hard feelings, it was just that we don't communicate anymore. If she approaches me then good and if not then okey-- totally fine.

I'm not busy actually, I've got all the time to blog in but I've said what I've said. Everyday as I sneak on my pc, I feel bored the world wide web seemed to be not that fast unlike before. I am totally bored and what keeps me busy are reading other else' blog and that's it. It's a routine that keeps me bored but nothing I can do with it.

Maybe in time I can figure out what really to write or maybe should I be writing everything that happens to my heart? that is what I am figurin' out. I'm just afraid that the happiness that I feel now maybe gone tomorrow. I don't know what to do by then but I know this is a cycle "we love today - we are happy - we become hurt tommorow - and then we love again. No matter how hurtful love can get it seemed is still the sweetest thing in life.

If you've got so much love... share it -- we may find someone who accepts it or if not... the feeling of love is a fulfillment... an achievement and something that we should be happy about after all we enjoyed this ride of a lifetime.

past comes back

2006-08-22T10:07:00.000+08:00

It was around 6 something when I arrived at the venue where the so called "skul party" is to be held... whoah! a lot of people was there... laughs and buzzes is all you can hear and they are in groups... i am easily intimidated by crowds and at that moment darn! i was -- not to mention that i was alone, my friends were already inside the hall and i was left outside because i was late.

I was looking at people's outfit while waiting for my friend whom i texted. Well that's all i can do, with me alone and intimidated what better way to keep cool -- than critique. In the invite as i can recall... semi-formal was the attire for the day but when i came to see the crowd it was seemingly not the suggested outfit... that includes me... hahahaha and i know i was in casual....

- brown track jacket
- white polo
- shirt from artwork
- jeans
- black leather shoes

Anyway, my friend approached me after a few minutes of waiting and lead me to the entrance... i was finally there, settled. Days ago i anticipated that I'll be seeing someone whom for the longest time I've never seen. Well seen her at school once but it was just last week and she never saw me though i texted her that i saw her.

It was around 7pm when me and my friends decided to get our food at the counter. It was totally a wreck, poor venue it was all messed up... the floor was wet all over (where the food was distributed) and not to mention those who were incharge were not so accomodating i supposed. There was a problem to add with the food tickets given to us... I was pissed off a bit with that and it tooked us 10 minutes ++ to get our food when infact we opted to get our food late so not to be caught up with the crowd.

While waiting and pissed... right next to me -- that is inches away from me, was the guy i saw from the friendster account of the girl which shall i call "Kym"... Holy Crap i thought, realizing that Kym might be some meters away from me but when i looked around saw no signs of her. Hmmmmm I now then assume that her alleged boyfriend is gentleman enough to get the food for her...

Well Kym was a girl i met years ago, 2 yrs ago i think... She was cute... tsinita... not tall... and simple. I Have to admit I fell for her. I was not so torpe then i guess... she knows I fell for her... told her back then but she wasn't ready to enter a relationship and she clarified to me it wasn't busted. Last seen her December 24, 2004 since then never so her but communicated still. It was around March 2005 when the feelings just fade as in i can't even understand what happened... it just did, i just shut like hell... didn't respond to her... nothing was heard from me.

My face was so distorted, I was too impatient waiting for the lady in charge to entertain us... i wanted to scream at her but it would be so so inappropriate, i don't want to labelled with such mis demeanor. I was so anxious that time, I just can't help it, i was firing in rage of what was happening. When I looked at the back to find something to cool me down, someone just called my name. oH! shoot! I saw Kym beamed a smile, waved at me and said hi. I was in total tick-tack in my mind. I just smiled back, i think but i just don't know how'd i looked like to her. She was with a group and by her acts eyes went rolling to me. Now that pissed me off in addition... hell yah! in the middle of a disaster, i was just so not myself.

I was thinking to make bawi that night but never saw her again. It was that disastrous moment that i saw her and not a trace of her anymore, I lost her in the crowd. I just texted her to apologize for whatever but she never replied.

"Nice to see you *small letter u with two dots above* sorry ha *small letter u with two dots above* nakakairita kc ung nagdidistribute nung food *small letter u with two dots above* *small letter u with two dots above* *small letter u with two dots above* " " *smile emoticon* "

falling for someone you never met

2006-08-19T19:11:00.000+08:00

Uhm one question starts to bug my braincells out of my hard skull... Is it possible for someone to fall for somebody you never actually met? I mean you don't even know if he or she really exists... would it be possible? or is it just for films and teleseryes? I know you'd find me weird and wait this is just a hypothetical question... nothing more nothing less...

movies like the lake house though projects that it is not impossible but it is an exaggeration to communicate through a mailbox... in the real world we may relate this to texting or chatting which is not so less than possible. i've bumped into some thread at pinoyexchange.com or PEX with the title which goes something like... " would you introduce a person you met online to your parents?" hmmm though never scanned the thread but the title says it all... well it could be next to the question in mind... will it be possible to fall?

I know couples struggle to maintain relationships, couples who have all the time to attend to their partners, be with their partners every now and then... long distance relationships do also work at times but long distance relationship with someone you've never actually met.... would that work? when all the other, struggles with their relationships how much more a new one with the said arrangement....
It would be a risk on hell... it is like suicide after knowing that you'll die tomorrow... hehehe

besides it would be some kinda' weird to do the courting over the cyberspace... where would sincerity be tested? in the times you've actually talk? with webcams and headphones? with tangible pictures or may be monitors... hahaha or with the emoticons used... well it could all be faked... sorry to those who engage in this practice but maybe i'm not just sold out to the idea yet...

I don't know... i just can't imagine right now having that kind of relationship... serious relationship that is... maybe in time i'll know the answer to this question that lingers in my mind... for the mean time I'll try to be just me... if i fall then good if not then it doesn't matter.... you'll never know 'til you'll be on the others' shoes... hehehe

revelations made no difference

2006-08-18T20:40:00.000+08:00

for so long i wanted to tell her about the blog and what i wanted is for her to see it with me but it seemed impossible with us in different schools and not seeing each other for the longest time i guess and so i thought of a way. I want to see her reaction in all honesty but i wasn't really ready in letting her view it. one night i felt ready because the more i prolonged this, the more i am in agony atleast i wouldn't think of any fantasies afterwards. i asked for a sign as usual... and i got it and so go without any hesitations, actually with all the hesitations but i guess i made up my mind whatever the sign says i'll follow and i got 3 yes' and so off i went (ym becoz she was online then).

me: uhm jix, may headphones and cam ka?
me: kayo nah? (refering to some guy on her avatar)
jica: yupz.. meron akong cam and headphones
jica: nopez.. hindi kami...
me: invite me to your cam beh
jica: hindi ako nagcacam oi
me: ?
jica: ehehehe
me: cge nah
me: then meron akong ipapakita
jica: ayoko noh
jica: bakit?
jica: kaw nalang mag cam
me: cge na
jica: ayoko
me: cam
jica: hehehe
jica: kaw nalang nga
me: ahh then wag nalang
jica: sus
me: bahala ka
me: maypapabasa sana ako sayo
me: but i want to see you reading it

we argued like tag of war... i don't know i know shouldn't be forcing her but as the days goes by i think i had the gutts to force her to and confident enough that she'd give in... and i guess I was darn right.

jica: cge na
jica: ano ba yan ha?
jica: wait lang
jica: hahahaha
jica: di ko gusto nah
me: uhm okey
me: na what?
jica: pwede wag mo kong tingnan?
jica: ipa read mo nlang ako
jica: hahaha
me: hindi
jica: ano ba yan tlga ha?
me: basta
jica: nah
jica: di ko gusto tinitingnan ako nah
jica: makita ako nah
me: cge nah
jica: nahhhhh
jica: bout what yan?
me: basta
jica: ayokong makita nga
jica: sige na nga
me: kung gusto mo after this di na ako mangungulit ever
jica: huh?
jica: ano ba yan oi?
jica: mangulit na?
me: wag mong ioff cam ha hanggang matapos mong basahin
jica: okies

then i gave her the URL...

me: uhm cge
me: http://coinedtorpe.blogspot.com
me: opened it
me: and read it ha
jica: okies
me: hehe
jica: sayo yan?
me: basta read it
jica: wait muna ha
me: okey
jica: talk muna me ng tita ko sa fone
me: okey

i was just staring at the box with her on cam... she was on the fone then returned it then went back to the monitor...

jica: etong too blind to see?
me: lahat

she read a few then she reacted in defense on one of the post i previously posted...

jica: hey... i really fell asleep that night
jica: sakit ko na kaya yan
jica: and i have a lot of things to think about
me: later mo na idefend self mo beh just read
jica: so nakatulog na ako
jica: im sowee if i kept you waiting
jica: *sad face emoticon*
me: okey lang yan basta just read... everything happened..

she tried to defend again but didn't mind it nlang because i want her to read.... and i was just staring at the box and saw all her expressions... not bad she was so serious hooking on the monitor and me as i've said just staring with a blank mind... i didn't worry at all of what will be the outcome... but then i asked...

me: naiinis ka na?
jica: hindi naman
jica: kung nakatawa ako or nakasmile it doesn't mean it's because of what you read
jica: meron lang ako ka ym

i was bombed by this... what was that for... everything just shut down... i don't it wasn't clear to me what she was really trying to say but all i felt was that it hit me hard... as in like to the point that i wanted to burst out all the pain that i felt that moment but i tried not to... i tried to strong and tried to be sarcastic in away... but i was really weakened by it...

me: so?
me: thanks ha
me: nyc one

she then replied in response to somewhat unusual way of speaking... i hope she felt that and i really thought so...

jica: hoi
jica: napano ka?

but she didn't

jica: it doesn't mean na sa'yo yung feelings ko na nakatawa
jica: ka ym ko lang tita ko

and with that all i said was...

me: yeah got what you meant

and exited her cam with no hesitation... i was just not so good... minutes passed and she mack me me and jokingly said...

jica: tulogan ba ako?
jica: hmph
jica: anyweiz, juz finished reading
jica: uhhhm... and i don't know what to say
jica: i'm sorry you got hurt coz of me
jica: manhid lang talaga ako
jica: im sorry
jica: and yu... thanks... for being there...

it was fine reading those words from her but the next lines seemed contrary it hurt like sh*t...

jica: ...based on what you wrote... what you went through wasn't easy...
jica: sorry for causing you too much pain and hassles
jica: i realized now that you have done a lot of things for me
jica: thank you
jica: so much
jica: i just am so sorry
jica: i really have hurt a lot of people without me knowing sana you told me that you felt that way.. that you were hurting.. eh di sana di na ako nag do ng things that could hurt you more
jica: sorry talaga
jica: ...........................
jica: okies

those words really stabbed me like hell... i didn't reply as not say something bad... i just kept my silence until the pain ceased a bit.... the next day i thought of replying i don't want to make an impression that after everything said and done i'll be gone, be a coward and not face any of the verdict...

me: there's nothing to be sorry about
jica: meron noh
jica: di ko tlga na notice
jica: sorry
me: pinabasa ko lang yun
me: wala lang para mashare ko lang i mean i guess i owe you something
me: ako hindi ako nagshashare
me: kaw nagshashare
me: so that's it
me: nothing more
jica: hahayz
jica: sinabi mo sana para di naako nagshare kung makakahurt lang yun
jica: sorry
me: it's my choice don't blame yourself
jica: hahay
me: those were just write ups don't mind it
jica: but it was what you felt
me: so....
me: and besides dati pa yun
jica: basta
jica: sorry
jica: kahit pa dati pa yun
me: it was a learning experience jix
me: no regrets at all
jica: pero... thank you pa rin

then we hopped into another topic... i just don't like to hear all the drama of sorry because no matter how many sorry i could hear from her it doesn't make any difference... i was hurt, i was dumped ( in i don't know way) and basically that's it. i'm done i guess.

lovin' feeling

2006-08-17T12:14:00.000+08:00

feelings are feelings... it changes either rapidly or slowly and it is rather odd if changes doesn't happen, feelings just come and go literally. It can change in a split second or maybe years but not a lifetime.

the feeling of love is not that different after all, it cease in time. today you maybe inlove and tomorrow you'll never know. what is needed in every loving feeling is the nurturing, a fire can never last if not taken care of or a plant dies when not watered and cultivated.

if asked why does relationships lasts? well it's not all feelings what adjuncts is the responsibility of each other to nurture a relationship as i've said feelings just subside with out proper conditioning. most of the time it's better to fall and no know reason why you fell than to have all the reasons in the world because in time if the reason maybe gone then nothing is left for you to stay.

now, if feelings come and go then it can come back any time. i guess. you'll never know when to fall or not because it just appears eh at the right time. we are fond of searching and hoping for the right person for us but i guess no matter how we search we will never find it because sometimes we are to focus on our ideals that we never see that someone whom we thought of as nobody but came at the very right time we needed the "ideal" person for us. but it is never too late because that person we never saw maybe in the future we will be able to see at the right moment.

tip: to those who are in a relationship. don't stop with feelings continue to nurture it and take good care of what you have :)

too blind to see

2006-08-15T17:47:00.000+08:00

A couple of times my friends see my efforts but why not her (none in specific, okey) ? This is a question in mind that only her can answer I know or maybe not really. I don't think my efforts isn't sufficient because my friends do see it. hahaha Not just because their my friends and that they try to let me feel better.I also see my efforts as such and I think I deserve to be with someone because I've given so much.

one would actually say... buti pa xa... I hope my boyfriend did that to me also or maybe ako nalang girlfriend mo sana. It's funny nga eh listening to my friends jokingly say to me na sila nalang girlfriend ko, it felt better and it gives me a booze of confidence, a little okey?! Maybe that's what friends are for --- hahaha Dionne Warwick!

Anyway, the question is still lingering on my head... Why can't she? Could love be really blind? is she blind not to see what I did for her? Or is it just me who is blind? Blind not to see and accept that she doesn't really have an eye on me. Sometimes we are too busy reading between the lines that we are not able to see the simplier things which may be just infront of us. We are too complicated in our thinking that we missed out the answer to our question which is already given and still we search for them. All this time maybe I was just facing the answer but disregarded it because I just don't want to accept the fact that there's no us... we don't have mutual feelings and we are too different.

blanc.

2006-08-12T23:12:00.000+08:00

Hours after what happened, I am just too exhausted. My mind is in blank state, it stops thinking all I wanted was to rest. Nothing more nothing less.

I don't know there really comes a time when we have second thoughts and maybe this is what is happening to me. There comes a time when we think that we've given much and we couldn't give more. A time where we are too much hurt that we ought to keep our self in isolation.

I don't know maybe I just need to validate my feelings. Maybe I'm just too bored with life that I want to share it with someone but that someone I've bumped into is someone whom doesn't want to share a piece of her life with me.

Sometimes we tend to read beyond the lines too much that we don't see reality. Sometimes we hope too much that we forget that we are dreaming. Sometimes we are to engross with our feelings that we forget that it is just feelings. Feelings that in time without nurture could fade as if you've never felt it after all.

No one is to blame nor someone should hold responsibility because all I know I just felt it, not me wanted it nor you wished for it. It has existed... now it can, in anytime say its goodbyes.

Honesty, is not that bad after all

2006-08-11T00:35:00.000+08:00

" i miss u... and i'm sad... would it be too much of a favor to ask someone like you... ...to cheer me up? sabihin mo lang i miss you too kahit hindi totoo"

this message started it all. I sent this one to Jica, wala lang half meant though. Well she knows very well that i don't send qoutes if i don't mean them. Almost all the time i don't respond to people when they send qoutes, because for one reason, i don't have qoutes that in one way or another appropriately responds to the qoutes they sent me. Jica responded through her father's phone (i guess)... kc me globe, xa naman addict mobile gamit niya.

jica: hi yu! hehe.. jica toh. ala lang
me: hello jix *u with two dots above it*
jica: musta yu? you sad?
me: uhm im ayt... :)
jica: oki. sad kc message mo... you sure?
me: yepz im fine, its just a message
jica: sure yu? hahayz...
me: sure
jica: okies.. At least you're okie.. *stick-out-tongue emoticon*
me: hehe kaw?
jica: im okie yu.. thanks for asking.. hehe.. bakit di ka dito nagrereply

i replied kc sa phone niya not on his dad's... eh dad niya globe... so she asked me to reply on her dad's kc sayang daw load ko and mag register nalang din daw ako unlimited text... so i did

me: aww... wala lang... *u with two dots above* uhm... i'm just here
jica: thanks yu... basta! I'm here lang din.. *stick-out-tongue emoticon*
me: uhmm emote natin... pero i miss you seriously
jica: ehehehe *stick-out-tongue emoticon* okey lang yan noh... minsan lang tayo nageemote.. hehe.. * stick-out-tongue emoticon*
jica: ehehe.. unli ka?
me: nopez
jica: hala! di ka ba nasasayangan sa load mo? Hahayz... bka nakakadisturb na ako ha?
me: okey lang noh ako kaya naunang magtext but if you need to go... okey lang din
jica: okey lang yu noh... meron ka ishashare or something? hehe..
me: huh? wala naman.. uhm kaw meron? or maybe na think na gusto iask?
jica: wala din akong mathink na iask... ehehehe... andito na naman tayo.. haha! mag unli ka para di sayang load mo.
me: uhm baka u need to do something pa... how man?
jica: okey lang noh... Hmm... (explained how to register... ... send to 2870) kaw baka busy ka?
me: uhm i'm not man... i was reading something pero okey lang i can drop it man hehe
jica: ehehe... bah? midterms na ninyo?
me: nopez not yet sa 19 pa... kaw dba midterms nyo nah? di ka magaaral?
jica: ehehe di ako makapagaral e! nag hang brain ko.. hehe.. hahayz!
me: why man? you want to study now? okey lang naman eh na next time na tayo mag talk or text
jica: ehehehe di din ako makapag aral eh...hahayz *stick-out-tongue emoticon*
me: why nga? something's bothering you? what man?
jica: ewan ko.. hahay.. unli ka na?
me: yep what man? you want to share something or what?

now! i got the answer to my question... without any precautions and early warnings i was astonished and startled when she replied...

jica: yu.. ala lang... am i hurting you?? kapal ko noh nagtanong bah? hahayz...
me: huh? where did that come from? why suddenly ask that question man?
jica: ala lang.. but yu, answer it... kung okey lang.. bahala ang kapal ko kc nagtanong talaga ako. hehe.
me: uhm tell me beh why nathing mo yung ganyan? where did that came from?
jica: wala lang... nathink ko lang... answer bah.. please.. then i'll tell you...
me: sige na why mo nathink na mag ask ka ng ganung question? uhm if i'll answer, would it make any difference?
jica: basta! nathink ko lang nga... Yes? or No? cge na...
me: pwede ba yun?
jica: yupz... sige nah! I know ang kapal ng mukha ko and i'm not in the position to ask..

I was in dillema that moment... I was worried to tell the truth, i just don't know the consequences. I ask for (3) other opinions... One said if she was in my shoes she should tell the truth, the other one I ask what would he choose between *chinese and japanese*, I assigned each of the two choices to a Yes or No, and he's choice was japanese and it was a Yes. He was shock when I mack him because it was an out of the blue question but anyway i said sorry for the inconvenience (that sounded familiar? parang underconstruction or renovation ginawa ko ah! hehehe)... the last one I got from a text a friend said "be true" and the truth is... as all of you readers know... I'm Hurt. It really took me for awhile before I decided to tell the truth...

me: sige i'll be honest this time... yes
jica: why? coz of the things I said?
me: huh? i dont know
me: uhm coz maybe i knew then that i cant be that someone you longed for
jica:im sowi yu... ang manhid ko.. feeling ko dami ko ng nahurt.. esp now.. im sorry.. * sad face emoticon*
me: you dont have to feel sorry jix i.. i had never taken that against you... i mean dba you are not to be blamed
jica: im sorry.. *sad face emoticon*
me: stop na jix its not something to really feel sorry about ... okey lang yan
jica: napakamanhid ko... * sad face emoticon* di ko man lang namalayan ang feelings ng iba.. huhu.. *sad face emoticon*
jica: eh kc ano... *sad face emoticon* hahayz! basta oi..
me: jica...
me: oi...
me: jix..
me: do you want me to call you jix? uhmm pwo will use the landline kc di na kaya ng load ko
me: ill wait for your reply... okiez?!

i just hate what she felt... this was what I've forseen... this was the thing I didn't want to happen... this is the reason why I wanted to lie again and again.. I don't want her to feel bad... I mean she is not accountable for all the hurting I was going through... urhg! hate this... I was worried and haven't slept 'til around 3am... I can't just sleep.. but anyway I was able to... At around 6:30am my phone rang (msg pla!), i was awaken by it with headache going on, ang ingay talaga ng ringtone ayaw tumigil hanggang ma press mo isang button...

jica: yu.. im sowi... nakasleep ako last nyt.. *sad face emoticon* basta... sowi.. *sad face emoticon*
me: ahh really

that's all i replied... nainis ako honestly... she was able to do that, leaving me stupid worrying all night... and now she has the gutts to tell me that she did and she's sorry... oh what the... I then went back to sleep... later that day i texted her...

me: hi jix.. you okey?
jica: okey lang yu noh... hahayz
me: okey ingatz always
jica: okies.. kaw din.. thanks yu *stick-out-tongue emoticon* sowi ha... *sad face emoticon*
me: ---i forgot what i replied---

that's where we stop... now i don't regret that I've said the truth to her.. I mean kahit papaano I still owe her the truth... and I don't know... I'm now confused... If she cared for me or not... i mean tulugan ba ung nangyari.. it's says something.. i don't know... It's for me to find out... and if i do I owe you some words dear reader...

renewed and moved jica

2006-08-10T11:22:00.000+08:00

Days lasted without any communication, though I was online almost everday, she never was. text messages? haven't really. then she just appeared from nowhere, actually like what she usually does this past few days... BUZZ through ym...

jica: hi yu.. ala lang
me: *smile emoticon*
jica: just wanna thank you for always being there
jica: ehehehehe
jica: *wink emoticon*

now that statement made me think... where did that came from... weird parang mabait xa that time ha... "ano kaya nakain nito" i thought but then i asked her...

me: huh? what happened to you pla?
me: hehe
jica: ala lang
jica: galing kc ako sa retreat
jica: hehehe

"ahh yun naman pla" i was talking at the back of mind... no wonder she seemed strange but it didn't stop there...

jica: ang dami kong narealize
jica: ehehehe
me: hehe
jica: by the way... i think im over him
jica: ang happy ko
jica: ehehehe
jica: palagi lang ako nakatawa and nag smismile
jica: *big-grin emoticon*

that made me shrugged a little bit and now im in the villain mode again..

me: u think lang
me: hehe
jica: yeah... happy na ako
jica: pwomiz
jica: *smile emoticon*
me: pero it will cross your mind na pud promise
me: hehe

my statement was based on experience so don't argue... hehe

jica: i don't know
jica: ehehe
jica: dili na tingali
jica: na accept ko na
me: asus
jica: pwomiz
me: hehe
jica: ehehehe
jica: agree ka na lang
jica: im sure this time
me: hehe
me: uhm here's the ano jix... uhm there's nothing wrong in hoping as long as you don't dwell on that...

did i said "there's nothing wrong in hoping"? Oh my! moving on 101... not a good advice i think i had just put an anchor on my luggage and i'll be drowning in a split second... hmmm

jica: yeah.. i know
jica: pero wala na talaga eh... i mean... finally.. i'm over
jica: ehehehe
me: hehe
me: what did you do ba na you're sure na talaga na you're over him?
me: hehehe
me: evil ko noh
me: so okey na c sam?
me: hehe

now i'm drowned and wet all over... but jet is out... she's over him...

jica: okey lang... we talked and yun na yun
jica: ehehe
jica: ngee... ano ba yan? friends lang kami ni sam noh... hindi yan nagcross sa minds namin
jica: ehehehe
me: ows

now that made me think... did she said "never?" eh nanligaw nga sa kanya c sam eh... ano ba toh... ang gulo na kaya, so i changed the topic. We had a short talk on how did our week went
and talk bout coincidence with reality and horoscopes. We didn't really had a long one because she then had to go, her classmates where down stairs daw. hahaha akalain mo iniwan classmates niya hmmm... ang gulo mo jix!

never get over you getting over him

2006-08-09T18:50:00.000+08:00

Our conversations were limitless, in terms of topics to discuss upon. Uhm yep, it is indeed limitless to the point that I get hurt though i shouldn't be feeling it i think. From one conversation basta i just can't mention it to this conversation...

me: you like the same person pa din?
jica: who?
jica: musta ka na?
me: me?
me: wala
jica: i mean your heart?
me: bakit napunta sa akin ha?
me: wala...
me: you like same person pa din?
me: oi sagutin mo tanong ko
jica: hahaha
jica: para di lang ako yung magsasalita bah
jica: ehehehe
jica: sino na person?
me: *stick-out-tongue emoticon*
me: jix as in xa
me: bakit meron pa bang iba?
jica: c jet ibig mo sabihin?
me: ofcourse
me: hahahaha
jica: hahahaha
jica: yep i think
jica: kainis namn xa eh
jica: hahayz
jica: ikaw?
jica: share ka naman

she tried so many times to change the topic but I tried to redirect her to our original topic. gago ko noh... I initiated in hurting myself pero i wanted to know lang naman din how was her heart eh.

me: bakit xa nakakainis?
jica: ehehehe
jica: kc nakakainis lang tlga xa
me: bakit nga?
jica: anyweiz share ka din
me: bakit ano ba ginagawa niya?
jica: unfair pag ako lang
jica: bakit sawi ka?
jica: sabi ni karen
me: stop asking muna beh
me: si karen lang may sabi nun
me: you know naman pla na its unfair... then y not move on?
jica: nah
jica: bakit man? (refering to sawi thing)
me: i mean you can't stay that way forever
jica: i know yur
me: you know but you can't do it
jica: yan palagi sinasabi ni sam (what the?!)
jica: hahayz
jica: how man beh?
jica: magkagrupo pa kami
jica: kainis
me: by giving time for yourself and other people
jica: i'm trying to stay away na nga eh
me: jix its not staying away
jica: im spending time with other people (bakit ako di kasali? huhuhuhu.. hehe)
me: dapat you still acknowledge his presence
me: but don't dwell on him
me: just be civilian to him...
jica: yeah ganyan yung ginagawa ko
jica: kc wala naman akong magawa xa yung lumalapit (kapal?! peace.)
jica: hahayz
me: well paglumapit xa then be it.
me: naiintimidate ka kc agad i think... pag andjan xa
jica: di noh
jica: ehehehe
jica: hahayz
me: sure?
jica: sure
me: ahh okey
me: then better
jica: inaaway ko man yan xa pag lumalapit
jica: hahayz
jica: kainis kc xa pag tumingin
jica: hahaha
jica: anyweiz... kaw na man?

Now i'm pissed... kainis makuha bang ikwento nakakaano ng gana makipag usap... hahayz but i tried to be patient... hay naku! ang sarap untugin ulo sa cemento...

me: naiintimidate ka
me: jix
me: ngek
me: wala naman ako maishare eh (sus kung pwede ko lang sa'yo! grr)
me: wala talaga
me: blank
jica: hows your heart nga?
me: okey lang ( kahit hindi okey! hmmp!)
me: nothing much
jica: sus
jica: chikka ka bah
me: yun nga
me: wala naman akong ichichikka eh
me: kc wala namang nangyayari
jica: ows?
me: yep
jica: sige na (kayanin mo kaya kung sabihin ko?! hay naku!)
me: wala tlga
jica: bakit sinabi ni karen na sawi ka?
me: ewan ko
jica: ngekz
jica: pwede ba yun?
me: nilalagyan lang nya ng meaning ung "hahayz" ko
jica: hahaha
jica: pero baka naman meron tlgang meaning yun
me: wala eh
jica: oh?
me: kc wala naman talagang nangyayari eh
me: cge ask ka ng question
me: if you want to ask
me: then pag may maisagot ako
me: ianswer ko
jica: ano naman itatanong ko
me: i dont know
jica: im not good in asking questions
jica: bakit nga ba sawi ka?
me: i dont know
me: sige ask anything
jica: share ka nalang
jica: ayokong mag ask
me: ill try to answer
me: wala kc akong maishare
jica: nah
jica: ala talaga
jica: sige na yu
jica: meron yan
jica: eheheh
me: what man?
jica: ang kulit ko noh?
jica: you found someone nah? ( where did this came from?)
me: nopez
me: wala
jica: sure?
jica: ehehe
me: yep
me: sure
jica: ako din
jica: ehehe
jica: wala pa
jica: hahayz
me: huh?
me: c jet man kaya?
jica: daming sawi
jica: but we're not meant for each other
jica: hahayz
me: then y hold on?
jica: i dont know
jica: i wanna let go
me: then let go
jica: i can't
jica: i've tried
me: you can't 'coz you don't want to
jica: i want to
me: no you don't

i know her better.... a lot better actually...

jica: ok fine... part of me doesn't want to
me: at the back of your mind...
jica: sheyt
me: see...
me: because if you want to then you will
jica: aaahhhh... i hate this
jica: huhuhuhu
jica: i hate myself
me: why man?
jica: hmmph

now here's my FRIENDLY advice... hahayz

me: there's nothing wrong man jix in holding on
me: basta kaya mo yung consequences ng choice mo
jica: i dont want to stay this way forever ( sounds familiar?!)
me: so?
jica: you want ganito yung topic namin ni sam
jica: hahayz

oh boy! "gusto mo kausapin mo nalang kaya si sam?!" i thought. Why should she always insert his name?! What the.... anyway Sam's a friend so peace pero kaasar tlga.

jica: kainis naman nito
me: bakit nakakainis?
jica: kc ayaw ko na ng ganitong feeling
jica: sheyt
jica: wala lang naman cguro to noh?!
jica: ehehe
me: i dont know
me: it must be something
me: kc you want to hold on eh
me: i mean kung wala lang then you wont be affected
jica: kc nga at the back on my mind i'm hoping that maybe something might happen
jica: pero i know na wala
jica: ay ewan

here's my contradicting aw... critical thinker self again... siguro inis na xa sa akin sobra... hehe

me: you know na wala pero why hold on?
me: pero you still hold on?
jica: ewan nga eh
me:...

or maybe not...

jica: nainis ka na noh?
jica: nakakasawa na kc ako
jica: kainis
jica: hahayz
me: bat naman ako maiinis?
jica: kc sawa ka na sa aking pagiging ano...
me: nopez, wala naman eh
jica: sure?
me: i understand man where you're coming from...
me: yep sure

and she drops everything and i just denied... i hate myself for doing it...

jica: you feel the same way?
me: na what?
jica: na you wanna let go but you can't?
me: uhm i don't know
me: di naman cguro
me: maybe wala pa lang
jica: anong wala lang?
me: wala pa lang akong nakita? or something
me: wala eh
me: different man kc I've let go
me: pero ala pang new

what have-i-just-said? I've let go? napakasinungaling ko!

jica: buti ka pa
jica: ako ala pa talaga
jica: sheyt
jica: ayoko nah

naku! if she only knew what I've been going through... kc gago ako eh I should have kept my silence... kaya pinangatawanan ko nalang kahit di totoo...

me: pessimist kc ako, maybe it did help
me: and i don't really invest in dreams
me: hehe
jica: hahayz
jica: pano ba toh?!
me: uhm ikaw...
jica: ako lang makakatulong sa self ko
me: yep
jica: ang talino ng utak ko mag think (hahahaha umamin rin na matalino xa)... bobo ng heart ko
jica: sheyt
jica: ehehe
me: hehe
jica: *crying-out-loud emoticon*
me: okey lang yan
jica: bah?
jica: ehehe
jica: okey lang toh
jica: kaya pa naman eh
jica: ehehe
jica: dbah?
jica: thanks yur
me: *smile emoticon*
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: *smile emoticon*

dear reader hope you understand where I stood when I lied... but i know I should have told her, I owe her the truth but It could have been easy If it wasn't her I fell for and can't let go of...

what more do you want to hear?

2006-08-08T21:30:00.000+08:00

Around 12am i texted her, i didn't expect anything from her though it was late and she's not used to getting up for a call or a text. It was unusual or maybe not.

me: stil up?
jica: yep pauwi na ako eh... why? meron ka bang sasabihin o ikwekwento?
me: wala lang naman... txt you later pagkauwi mo.... ingat sa pag uwi

she's on her way home which means sa daan xa i stop texting her muna para she wouldn't use her cellphone baka ma snatch pa, ala akong pambayad but more than anything else ayaw ko tlga mapahamak xa.

jica: andito na ako... so ano?
me: wala lang nga
me: uhm na panood mo na ba sukob? nood tayo
jica: di pa pero kc may kausap na ako eh
me: ahh okey no probz
me: sus nakakamiss ka nga to the point na kakainis
jica: ehehehe eh ang tipid mo nga sumagot eh. sa ym ha.
me: atleast nagrereply
me: and ano pa ba ibang isasagot ko... wala namn eh
me: what more do you want to hear from me pa bah?

then the wala na xa bigla, i know nakatulog na yun kc she's texting most of the time before going to bed. One of her night rituals. hehehe. I called her up pero ala ng sumasagot meaning tulog na nga. When I woke up I was surprise ang aga nag buzz sa ym ko 7am ata yun then...

jica: yu sorry di na ako naka reply nakatulog na kc ako eh anyway i'm using daddy's phone...
hehe

hmmm nainis ako promise but bumawi eh. hehehe. kaya okey lang yun naiinis pero cute din eh. yung nga nakakamiss xa to the point na nakakainis.

jica: YURI
jica: hehehehe
me: yep?
jica: nakakatawa ako kc na sign out ko ym ko
jica: ehehehe
me:
jica: magwatch ka ng sukob ngayon?
me: dont know
me: ill wait for karen
jica: ahh okiez
jica: kakainis nagsasawa na ako
jica: palagi nalang kaming nagoovernight
jica: hmph
jica: nakakapagod na tlga
jica: wala kang class?
me: di ka namn nag overnyt kagabi dba?
me: wala akong pasok
jica: wala... pero nung monday as in wala akong tulog
me: ahhh
jica: oi pag may makita kang dvd na tagalog nung my girl sabihan mo ko ah
me: k
jica: grabeh proven na tlga pagka tipid mo
jica: ehehehehe
me: bakit ano ba gusto mong sabihin ko?
jica: ala lang
jica: chikka
me: huh? wala namn akong ichichikka eh
jica: ok
me: if u want kaw nalang...
jica: wala naman akong mastory eh
jica: i think
jica: ehehehe
jica: sig meron akong ishare
me: ahhh k
jica: secret natin toh ha
jica: hmmm...
me: ?
jica: nah....
me: if you want to share it
me: then share it
me: if you dont then wag
jica: nahihiya ako
jica: wag nalang
jica: ehehehe
me: ok
jica: next time nalang pag ready na ako
jica: ehehehe
jica: shux
jica: ishashare ko nalang
jica: hahayz
jica: i need advice
me: ok

hmmm... uhm i wont go on details nalang but basta it's about her love life... hahayz kainis sobra could you imagine what's happening ha parang nag susuicide ako sa mga pinaggagawa nito. hahayz.... next time kwento ko nalang kaya nagkakalakas ng loob para humingi ng advice sa akin dahil din sa nasabi ko though it's a good thing for one, kc she trusts me pero you know nah i would end up feeling bad for myself :(

changes and missing

2006-08-08T13:06:00.000+08:00

I've moved to another school since june and since then I've seen Jica once. Uhm I still remember though but the last time we saw each other we never spoke. If you could recall the "talk-to-me-when-you-already-told-your-parents" drama, that was the last time that I saw her. This is totally the opposite of the past school year, unlike before ( we were classmates) we barely see each other now. We meet up online but conversations doesn't last that long. As usual just share songs and some updates on ourselves. Life has been to different between the two of us. She is on her last year in college and busy with school while me left stranded, adapting in a new environment. We just don't meet in the middle these days. Time just runs through us with me missing her and her i don't know...

me: hi jix!
me: i'm going bya to an overnight later
me: with some 4th year HS classmates
me: i don't know if jay will be coming
me: hehe
me: wala lang share ko lang
me: as if you care
me: nyahahahaha
me: bitaw
me: i don't know ano gawin dun
me: hehe
me: cge text you later
me: ingatz
me: prepare muna ako
me: *smile emoticon*
me: nyt nah! hahahahaha
me: grabeh ang early noh
me: *smile emoticon*

Actually she was offline then when I mack her and so did not expect of any reply from her. When I was already at the venue, My mood just went so bad because I lost this plug something to be connected on my speakers. I was so disappointed with what happened that I texted her to express what I felt after I sent it my phone got bugged, the batt was empty. So overnight I was looking for ways to have my batt charged because I expected too much for her to reply but when I got it charged I just further more disappoint myself. Didn't receive any. Days passed...
I texted her...

me: jix, napanood mo na sukob? watch tayo...

enk! no reply then august 3:

jix: buzz!
me: ?
jix: hi yu
me: hi
jix: uy
me: ?
jix: ang tipid ba magreply
jix: hehehehehe
me: wala akong masabi eh
jix: ngekz
jix: meron noh
me: that's why I was asking what
jix: dami mong offline messages sa akin nah
me: ahh okey
me: that was days ago pa man
jix: bago lang naman ako nakapag net
me: ok

that was the end of that day... nainis lang talaga ako sobra though its all me who is to be blamed kc i was the one naman who expected much?! which should have not been... but bottomline I just miss her :(

rain and a cup of coffee

2006-08-07T19:32:00.000+08:00

It was a rainy thursday afternoon then, I was at school at the library actually when I thought of texting Jica.

me: san ka?
me: andito me sa library
jica: hi! dito ako sa bahay eh
me: study ka na?
jica: uhm trying to. I'm just listening music eh... nageemote...
me: hehehe sabay sana tayo magstudy
jica: ngek alam mo naman eh di ako nakakapag concentrate pag madami tao eh
jica: and you nah di ako pumapasok sa library
me: uhm punta ako jan... okey lang?
me: i'll bring coffee or hot choco :)
jica: kaw bahala

i immediately got my things and went to dunkin donuts to order two medium coffee. I then got a ride.

me: dito na ako sa labas

She then went outside opened the gate. Wow! napasecond look ako this was the first time I saw her wearing spaghetti straps and she looked great with that.

jica: ang basa mo nah.
jica: hali pasok ka na
jica: di yan mangangagat (they have golden retrievers kc)
jica: nakakainis yu kc nadumihan suot ko kc namn yung aso eh
me: hehe eh di magpalit ka na lang
me: wait

i then took off my shoes... kc basa eh nakakahiya naman kung magkakalat pa ako eh ang linis pa namn ng bahay nila.

jica: oi ano yan?
me: basa eh
jica: sige lagay mo nalang jan
me: di ka ata nag alala at baka pagalitan ka ng lolo mo
jica: tulog xa eh andun sa taas and okey lang noh
jica: oi upo ka nah higa lang ako ah

i seated right infront of her and xa comfortably naka higa sa sofa while reading her notes. I just can't believe na pumayag xa na punta ako kc she's not used to na pumupunta guys sa bahay nila. Strict din kc lolo nya. Officially I was the first guy to go inside except for her relative ofcourse kc ung isang kaklase namin hanggang gate lang.

me: oi inomin na natin toh habang mainit pa.
me: mamaya na yan, di ka naman babagsak eh
me: ikaw pa ang talino mo, di nga ako nagstudy maxado eh
jica: ngek di nga pumapasok sa isip ko eh kanta lang ako ng kanta nageemote
me: sus as if
jica: wala tlga

She made kwento na ng kung ano ano, bout her uncle and about everyone else. I just listened and stared at her as if I've never seen her for the longest time. I just can't drop the smile on my face. Call me crazy but it can't be dropped. We heard a kalabog upstairs, then her lolo came out to our view.

jica: lo, andito kaklase.. ko c yuri
me: gud afternoon po *smile*

her lolo just nodded and smiled. Then jica just continued her talking she just stop when it was minutes before we go for her to prepare.

jica: tara na! malalate na tayo
me: sige tara!
jica: lo! mauna na kami. lock ko na tong pintuan... c daddy andun sa kabila

i waited for her to close the door then off we went. Naglakad kami from their house to the corner to get a ride.

jica: Anjan ata daddy ko eh
me: huh? asan?
jica: jan sa barkada niya nag dadart
me: ahh
jica: dad! pasok na ako!

I took a look on his dad but didn't saw him kaya lakad nalang kami hanggang kanto.

me: so ano? lakarin nalang natin?
me: lapit lang naman eh
jica: no sakay tayo
me: lapit lang naman kc eh
me: okey
me: san tau maghihintay?
jica: dun nalang sa may tindahan
me: okiez

we then waited for the ride and went to school. The rain has already stopped but breeze was still just so different.

bestfriends ayt?!

2006-08-06T13:25:00.000+08:00

From then on, we assumed bestfriends. We jokingly call ourselves magbestfriends , though I hate the idea of it. I knew more about her and the latest on her including her crushes and suitor. Uhuh nasasaktan but what can we do? I can't say anything bad about her crushes and suitor, their my friends of some sort and I can't do that, you know?! Can you imagine I play stupid?! When she starts to share something I just assumed the friend role and give advices even if it gives me all the disadvantages. And her? she felt comfortable talking it out... manhid tlga...

Oi si ano? Oi si ganyan? huh?! what the... anyway it's still good to know that she's comfortable sharing anything to me but what's not just good is it makes me feel insecure... kung minsan nanliliit nlang... hahayz I can't blame her, she got a crush on somebody already before I fell for her. I just give her advices in a way that she wouldn't say na naninira ako or something I played fair naman pero not to myself i guess. It was really weird of me, but sometimes I just get tired with all the drama that I get tired and just shut myself up and sometimes I go the extra mile.

After an activity at school, nagkayayaan to eat dinner out. I knew she wouldn't be coming, I assumed because first of the cold war and second of Sam. Hmmm... atleast it wasn't me, she doesn't want to be with. I just didn't force her to but others did.

karen: tara na!
myco: dali nah... so san tau?
me: ewan... kayo nalang mag-decide
myco: kar san bah?
karen: di ko alam... ask yuri
me: bakit ako? kayo nalang pumili
karen: si sam o...
myco: sam san tau?
sam: jane san ba? hehe
jane: ewan... wag ako... kau nlang... i won't eat naman eh.

as usual turuan was the game. hahaha we always do this... me i just don't want to decide baka di nila magustohan ung taste ko pero my tase is not that bad ha! and I don't want to control them but walang gustong magdecide eh kaya...

me: so sa ______ tayo?
myco: sige tara!
jane: eh sila jica at trixie san nah?
me: na sa CR pa daw... text nalang daw... susunod nalang daw sila
myco: sus! tara na nga!

nainis na c myco but i knew na parang di na sila susunod sa amin, sumakay na kami when jica and trixie went out sa may gate ng school...

jane: oi hali na kayo!
trixie: di na ako sasama kc kailangan na akong umuwi.. tinext na ko ng mama ko eh
karen: o kaw jix sakay na...
jica: nah i'll go home na
myco: sige nah sama na sus...
jane: hali nah... andito si sam o

i just kept my silence and just gave her the look (saying its up to you)... I don't want to get blamed by her after wards... so when we arrived sa resto... guess who's there? Rikka... "Oh no!" i thought worrying pretty sure jica wouldn't be in anyway comfortable. Well what can we do we were there already. We took our seats and started to order but Jica didn't.

myco: kaw jix?
jica: ayaw ko kumain... busog pa ako eh
jane: sige na
me: sige na jix kain ka na

she then ordered. We were all getting annoyed kc ang tagalng order namin and we were starving as in like STARVING.

myco: hay salamat at dumating din.
karen: nagugutom na tlga ako
me: yey!
myco: hala! kulang pa?
me: sa inyo muna toh o
me: yan na naman eh.. padating na

the table was filled with silence as we munched on our food. Jica and me seated at the opposite tail ends of the table, I was looking at her when she caught me I didn't drop it giving her a look asking her whether she was ok. I know it's a stupid question coz I knew she wasn't comfortable with everything that was happening. I just texted her nalang... imagine how pathetic it can be, texting when your just inches away from each other?

me: are you okey?
jica: no
jica: sana di nalang ako sumama
me: uhm kain ka muna
jica: yu, can't stand this
jica: i don't want to go home with him

refering to sam. oh i forgot to tell you, sam's house is near jica's so they will be on the same ride practically.

me: okey gawan ko ng paraan
jica: pano?

i just broke the silence over the table and started talking aloud to jica.

me: jix meron ka bang notes nung...?

I was bluffing and tried to give her the hint to ride on it.

jica: uhm parang... na sa bahay eh
me: dba magtetest tau bukas?
me: sabay nlang tau.. kunin ko mamaya sa inyo
jica: okey

well no one objected with that, I guess I pulled it off. After a few talks we we all stood up and headed the exit.

jane: saan kau?
myco: hatid ko muna (refering to karen her girlfriend)
jane: kaw sam? sabay nalang kau ni jica
sam: *smile with a blush*
jane: o yuri ikaw?
me: ahh my kukunin ako kina jica eh
jane: ahh okey sige sabay nalang tau dun ako baba sa may metrobank

hmmm i know that jane was up to something (Jane is close to Sam actually) and sorry we planned ahead. hehe. so we went, jane was the chatterbox that time. I was just silent, Jane and Sam were talking and jica too was silent then.

jane: so sam kamusta na kayo ni jica, ha? (similing while while getting an eye on the reaction jica has to express)
sam: *smiled*
jica: *smiled*
jane: o! kaw naman yu? musta ka naman ha?
me: okey lang
jane: something new?
me: wala naman
jane: oi sam, jix usap naman kau!

i just then beemed on the window and tried to grasp anything from the surroundings. I tried not hearing there conversation but as usual jica was that demure... answer just the question type.

jane: para po
jane: mauna na ako
jane: ingat kayo
sam: bye jane
jane: sam ha! txt nalang
me: bye jane ingat
jica: bye jane

now the ride was all silence but sam tried to start a conversation with jica but not too long when sam needed to go and we were left alone. It was a relief to her I know and she then started to talk.

jica: thanks yu
me: okey lang yun noh *smiling face*
me: uhm bakit? what's with him bah at ayaw mo makasama?
jica: ah eh
me: *stared at her*
jica: kc natatakot ako baka he'd ask me again
jica: di ko alam ano isasagot ko
jica: baka ano lang masabi ko
me: ahh okey
jica: mah-ma pakanan po (she was giving directions)
jica: thanks tlga yu ha
me: okey nga lang yun
jica: kc naman eh
me: para po
me: ako nah
me: bayad po o
jica: thanks tlga ha
me: no probs
jica: sige pasok na ko at uwi ka na
me: sige... ( i didn't move)
jica: o ano? bakit jan ka pa?
me: sige na go ahead intayin kita maka pasok
jica: sus.. (she smiled na may halong kantsaw)
me: o ano? sige nah go... nyt
jica: sige na nga nyt
jica: ingat and thanks again
me: okey ( i smiled)

she then went inside and closed the door and i turned my back and went home.

Pretension? not at all.

2006-08-05T23:56:00.000+08:00

I just couldn't believe I just did that. What the hell was I thinking?! Now with that I can be excommunicated in no time, I can't imagine I myself had submitted to this. urgh! Now what? I asked myself, what more can I say? Babawiin ko kaya i thought for a while.

jica: hay naku!
jica: magalit bah

hearing that or in this case reading what she just replied was a relief in my part atleast she still talk to me and now i'm left with the decision, whether to hold on to what I've said or not. I was silent the whole time thinking what to say next. Hala! nag sign out xa, that then left me a question in mind, galit ba xa? or did she just thought and believe that I was damn serious with what I said. Hmmm... I kept my silence for 3 days... I left my ym opened while I watch television, when I went back infront of my pc...

jica: uy!! galit ka pa?

naku! now i got an answer to the question i had these past few days... and i guess di xa galit. So "before this gets worst, i should be saying something" i thought to myself, but "it should be something that doesn't imply that everything was fine and that I was blurting words and didn't really mean anything" Coz' I really mean everything.

me: have you told your mom?
me: have you told your dad?
me: ?

no response from her but her status is still online. It was confusing to my part, I just don't have any idea does she feel with the arguement. The same question was raised again in mind. I she mad at me or something? hahayz a week or so passed by...

jica: buzz!
me: hi
jica: pssst

oops! did I say hi! nyahahaha I did not keep my word, I mean not for long...

jica: hi yur
jica: yehey
jica: kinakausap mo na ko
jica: ehehehe
jica: *wink and big grin emoticon*
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: ?
jica: *hug emoticon*
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: ikaw lang naman cguro yung person na kayang di makipag usap
jica: kawawa ko naman
jica: huhuhuhu
me: bitaw .... di ba totoo?
jica: di noh
jica: depende sa tao yun... pero sa'yo nagtry naman ako nagtalk ah
jica: nag buzz kaya ako
jica: hmph
jica: special ka kaya
jica: ehehehehehe
me: nyahahahahaha

"nambola pa toh" i was saying at the back of my mind... but it felt good hearing it from her though.

me: *sticked-out-tongue emoticon*
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: pinipili mo lang pala yung kinakausap mo?
me: hehe
jica: uhuh
jica: ehehe
me: ngek
me: di mo nga ako pinansin dun sa _____ (basta kainan xa)
jica: i smiled oi
jica: ang bad mo naman
jica: hmph
jica: di mo ko na notice
me: hala! di kaya
jica: huhuhuhuhuhu
me: tumingin namn ako sa'yo eh
me: pero nagtalk kayo
me: baka mapahiya lang ako

yes i did look at her pero parang wala lang sa kanya that I was standing infront of their table kc I got water from the fountain, kaya tumalikod nlang ako then went back to our table. Takot ako baka mapahiya lang ako, as i've said kaya nya di kausapin ang isang tao kahit for a lifetime pa. Hmmm...

jica: oi i smiled
jica: hahayz
me: *sticked_out-tongue emoticon*
me: wala
jica: i smiled oi
jica: di mo cguro nakita
jica: baka di ka sa akin nakatingin
jica: ehehe
jica: joke
jica: *sticked-out tongue emoticon*
me: nyahahahahha
jica: hahahaha
jica: bitaw

and then I change the topic and everything went okey nah... I did just hoped na sana I didn't hear anything from her nalang it just made me hope she meant everything she just said.

painful arguement

2006-08-05T20:29:00.000+08:00

Everytime she experience pain, as in literal pain that is... she has this heart deffect and I am revealing it right now to you without her permission... sorry jix. Anyway i won't ellaborate on that, but she tells me whenever it hurts and every single moment it does... same conversation happens, more or less same discussion.

And this one is not an exception... it's a discussion through yahoo messenger.

jica : help!!! masakit na naman heart ko...
me: kaw tlga
me: sus... naku!
jice: not my fault
jica: hahayz

i can't help but argue... and she can't help but to make lame excuses...

me: not your fault?
me: di ka pumupunta sa doktor para magpacheck-up
me: kc busy ka or for whatever reason you can grasp on
me: di mo din sinasabi sa mommy at daddy mo that you are in pain
jica: my mom and dad knows noh
me: di ka umiinom ng medications mo sometimes
jica: nagrereklamo na nga ako ngayon eh
me: *sticked-out-tongue emoticon*
me : sure?
jica: but august pa ako mag papacheck-up
jica: kung may oras ako
jica: ehehehehe
jica: yeah
jica: im sure
jica: hahayz
me: why august pa kung pwede naman this saturday?
jica: busy kc this sat
jica: may GA
me: so?
jica: and besides ung doctor august pa darating
me: oh really
jica: sa august pa... cguro
me: ciguro ha

i replied with a bit of sarcastic tone..
she cut the conversation...

jica: kainis na lost na namn ako
jica: share again beh
jica: ehehehe
jica: wag kang mainis ha
jica: baka naiinis ka na ha
jica: *big-grin emoticon*
me: yan lang lahat ung pix

we were having photosharing simultaneosly kasi...

jica: thanks yu
jica: ehehe
me: np
jica: meron pa yu
jica: yung tau tatlo ni jen
me: ah okey
jica: ehehe
jica: gotta go yu
jica: thanks
jica: ingatz
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: okey
me: bye
me: ngatz

the topic was dropped and she went away with it... but there was this one incident prior to this which is something I can't believe I did. hehehe i guess she learned from it and i felt better with it.

After a discussion on Sam Milby (her crush), which I can't believe is enormously in hype but shouldn't be... she then said:

jica: yu masakit na tlga xa
me: sabihin mo sa dad mo
jica: wag nah... kaya pa naman
jica: pareho lang dati
me: sige na sabihin mo na
me: atleast aware xa
me: sige ka ako magtetext sa mom mo
jica: WAG... (she exclaimed)
jica: PLEASE!!! ( she begged)
me: sige na sabihin mo na sa daddy mo
jica: wag na
jica: okey lang ako
jica: ehehehehe
me: sabihan mo muna
me: sige na
jica: wag na nga eh

she demanded... aw i forgot she is the type that doesn't want to be demanded and i'm taking all the risk to be excommunicated by her for the rest of my life.

me: sabihan mo lang atleast alam nila na sumasakit pa rin yan
me: sabihan mo
me: pleas
me: e
jica: okies
jica: ehehehe
jica: okey lang tlga ako
me: okey ka lang nga
me: pero kailangan nila malaman na sumasakit pa din no matter makaya pa o hindi na
jica: okey lang yan
jica: pwomiz

she tried assuring me but i insisted.

me: sus..
jica: oo nga
jica: *wink emoticon*
me: *rolling-eyeballs emoticon*
me: ayaw mo?

i ask her furiously and i added,

me: ako magsasabi
jica: nah
jica: wag nga sabi
me: bahala na
jica: dami ng iniisip ng mama ko

she pleaded... but it didn't stop there... I was worried really and I know I can't do anything with me being at home and her there, the pain was intermittent but when it occurs it is persistent i guess...

me: sa dad mo nalang
jica: wag na
me: sige na
me: do you think di mag aalala mom mo kung lumala na yan?
me: sige na
jica: hindi na nga
me: sige na

it ended there... she didn't reply... the next day though...

me: *taas-kilay emoticon*
me: bahala ka
jica: oo nga
jica: hahayz
me: anong oo nga?
jica: ok na ako
jica: hehehe
me: okey ka na pero di mo pa rin sinasabi
jica: uhuh (confident na sumagot)
me: *arms-crossed-over-the-chest emoticon*
me: wag mo ko kausapin ha.. hanggang di mo pa sinasabi sa kanila

OMG! what have i done (at the back of mind) malamang di na ako kausapin shoot!... maprinsipyo kasing tao eh... kung di mo xa kakausapin di ka rin nya kakausapin...
i hope not i then thought.

friends friends friends... ouch!

2006-08-05T12:27:00.000+08:00

All the while, Jica and Sam were teased to each other by peers. No mattere how I wanted to drop the subject in mind, my heart doesn't want to. I tried not to listen and kept myself busy to whatever i can grasp around every moment i hear them teased. Yeah right, when u get hurt something inside shutts off... I kept myself in silence and tried to act as if i'm not affected in any way i could.

Everytime these happens I feel bad but what can I do? everybody was rooting for them.When they are being teased, Jica would just smile at them as if she indeed like it. Each time i see her that way, i was as if nowhere to be found. I just sit back like stranger to them. You wouldn't hear anything from me except a direct answer if asked of something.

She would then constantly asked me If I was okey?... she then would say sorry and that she knows i got hurt... she damn care how i feel and everytime she does that, i just hate it. I just hate hearing her because it kills me. It just kills me. It makes me feel better-- yes but i just don't want her to feel sorry... I don't want her to feel accountable to something she has no control on. I just don't like this, because it makes me fall for her more.

I received this note from her after a day of teasing.

"Hi Yuri! Remember when I told you I was happy? It's true that i am. And you know why? First because i've learned to appreciate those people who care for me; and you are one of them. Thanks again. :) second, it's because many people are making me smile! :) and third is because im making other people happy! :) But then despite of that happiness, i still feel sadness and maybe some sort of emptiness... oh well ! You know what makes me sad? Hmm... im sad because at the expense of my hapiness, someone is hurting. And because you're my friend and one my closest now, i don't want you to get hurt... I'm trying yur... trying not to hurt you and if possible ease the pain that you're feeling... because I care yur! Because you're my friend... And like you, i hope that the hurt you feel would eventually go away... And it would be of great joy to me if i see you happy :) But then again I don't want you to suppress what you feel. If you're happy, show it. If you're sad and hurting then say it. Okey lang yan. Promise! I'll understand... I'll try... I don't want to lose you too.. I don't want to lose a good friend! I've lost so many people in my life and I don't want you to be one of them. Basta yu, i'll always be here.. I'll always be your friend... :) jica"

I hate reading this note... It stabs my heart back and forth... friend friend friend paulit ulit...
It hurt even more knowing that we are okey... we care for each other... we don't want to lose each other and all we could ever have is friendship.

First and last

2006-08-05T00:03:00.000+08:00

I knew a day before that our block will be watching a movie but I was convinced not to. I don't know what came to my mind when I texted Jica if she wanted to watch the movie but then she said, "You know naman eh na di ako sasama" and she will be meeting a classmate of ours to return a book she borrowed. Yeah I knew that because of the cold war that was going on between a close friend of hers na andun din. So I said to her na I too won't be coming but If she wanted to we will watch nalang but not with them. We then agreed to meet at Dunkin' Donuts, their meeting place. She then decided to invite our classmate to come with and watch the movie and sumama naman kaya okey na din, I guess that made her comfortable.

Then after the movie, our classmate left us both because she daw needs to go home nah. We then ate somewhere i forgot the place, actually i'm confused between two establishments anyway we just talk and before we went home she got the receipt and wrote something. She then gave it to me... I never read it til i got home. I then accompany her to get a ride then when her ride left i texted her "Thanks ha. Take Care sa pag-uwi. text me if u get home" and i headed on a separate way home.

On the receipt, it said... " Hi Yuri. Keep this ha. I'll look for this when time comes... hehe... Thanks for everything... Hehe :) The movie was nice... weird at the same time nice... Uhmmm.. Hope we'll be friends forever! Take Care & God bless... jica :)"

I thought it was the end of the day when i was bombarded with text messages of questions and deceit... it was karen who texted me she asked me where I was and asked why didn't I watch with them.... I simply answered I was at home and I went somewhere... she then said na nakakaano daw dahil di ako sumama and she was saying things to the point of nagging. So I explained with all excuses but didn't told the truth because I just don't like na pag pyestahan then maybe she then realized that she's over reacting... she then said sorry.

Another person texted me remember, the friend of jica, Rikka whom she had cold war with... yeah she texted me also... she was in fire like a dragon... well that's her personality so i understood... then she begun asking me questions again... and she knew that we watched a movie... she questioned me why didn't we watch with them so sabi ko wala lang... of course I can't say to her that Jica doesn't want to see her or i don't want to be with her... and I can't also say that I want to spend time alone with jica... so i ended up dumb... saying wala lang. Sabi pa nya ung nag invite daw manood ng sine was Sam ung reportedly nanliligaw kay Jica.... sa isip ko i sadi "eh ano naman kung xa nagyaya?" pero di ko na rin pinansin mga hirit nya.

Then may humirit pa nag text parang pinakonxenxa ako... reply ko naman... "kailangan ba lahat ng galaw ko sabihin ko sa nyo? kailangan ba kasama kau, i have my own life cguro" parang ganun thought ng reply ko... kaya ayun natauhan at nag sorry pero ung si Rikka di nagpapaawat at nagmamatigas tlga... though may point xa pero malabo eh.

Di kami nagpa-awat sa nangyari... While I was watching 51st dates (fave nya na movie) on HBO bigla lang niyaya ko na namn manood ng movie... ayun nood kami and kami lang tlga dalawa.. officially that was our first date and 50 to go... nyahahahaa joke. We watch "The Perfect Catch", uhm serious kami nanood and un "pasulyap sulyap kunwari patingin tingin sa kanya" hehe nyc ung feeling kaya... and naaaliw ako tumitingin sa kanya eh, I just can't help but stare at her.

When we went out sa movie house... papalabas na kami nung mall when our classmate (ung kasama namin manood the other day) approach us. Nagkagulatan pa... tawang tawa kami sabi nga namin baka mahuli pa kami tatlo ulit at awayin na naman kami. Basta may mga kakilala kaming nabumped sa paglabas namin ng mall.

Then we then when to Red Ribbon para kumain... Nyc ng feeling sobra. It was happiness na ewan overwhelming yung tipong pwede ka na mamatay kinabukasan. So we ate sa red ribbon... ayun kwentuhan ng kahit ano... then before we went out nagsulat na naman xa sa receipt and it said...

"Ei yuri! Thanks a lot... I really enjoyed the day... :) Nice pa yung movie... "The Perfect Catch"... remember the line from the movie... it goes something like this.. " sometimes when you get hurt (nakaunderline) so bad something just shuts off (nakaunderline) inside..." hehehehe... wala lang.. Cge take care always! God Bless.. :) Hope we'll be happy (",) always, Jica"

The line she qouted was what happens to her pag nasasaktan xa.

That was the first and last time we were together alone and one of the happiest i've ever been.
From then on I carry the letter on my wallet, hoping that I won't disappoint her when she will be looking for it. Hoping that she'll remember that she gave me one or maybe just remember that that day existed.

Unpleasant surprise and Hurtful lies

2006-08-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

....continuation

after months of not being with my other kabarkadas an interugation of some sort happened. I was asked tons of questions and I heard a couple of updates on my other blockmates. There was this one thing that surprised me someone was courting Jica daw and worst like no other one exaggerated news was they were into each other. Ayun na heartbroken bigla, but still nothing seemed has changed magkasama pa rin kami we talk a lot, we still exchange text messages and telebabad. I didn't take it against my friends because they didn't really know what's going on between me and her, i thank them somehow atleast i got the news earlier.

One text message surprised me asking how was I feeling daw... Jica's old friend. I replied "okey lang namn" and ask what she's up to I knew her friend was talking about the so called buzz but I just replied as if okey lang tlga pero deep inside... "Shoot ang sakit nah kaya".

Di ko pinakita na affected ako and infront of her it was as if i didn't hear anything from other people. Well it didn't matter. As long as we are in good terms, we get along and everything seemed okey, whatever happened outside doesn't matter.

Until one night came I didn't know how did I arrive at their house or why was I there. All I can remember was we were talking seriously. We were standing there over the moonlight, it was silent and there she was on the other side of gate and me on the other. All I remember now is that I asked her if she was okey when I knew she wasn't. She insists that she was but I just keep on staring at her, looking at her teary eye. I ask her to look at me but she couldn't. I told her, I won't be leaving until she's really okey.

She was making kulit din of me being okey just to alleviate the awkward feeling of me staring at her... asking me if I was and if did I heard anything from other people, all i did was to deny. I chose to.

Like any other day, I called her up when I was already home and like any other day she made me kulit that I wanted to share something and me too asked her if she had something to share. I said none and i also got the same answer from her. She asked me if I heard anything from other people. I said none and asked her why is there anything that i should know. I waited for her to speak first about it before I will react or something.

She started, she said that i might knew it already but she want me to hear it from her. It was one of the most awkward moments kahit sa phone lang. She was explaining but not straight to the point, no mentioning of names. She told me she was uncomfortable talking bout it but tried to gather strength to say it in the most subtle way. She said she doesn't know how wud i react. She said she don't want to hurt me. On the other line, my tears just fell down, it hurt badly while she was talking. I then told her it was fine with me. If she likes him then she why don't she give him the chance and all. I was trying to hide what I felt that moment. She tried to interrupt me by saying "pero she doesn't want to hurt me daw" "pero she is not sure of this and that". I told her I wanted her to be happy and I don't want to be the reason why she can't move or do what she wants to do. There was no mentioning of names that time, I admit I can't mention the name of the guy at that moment, naiinis ako what made it hurt more I knew the guy naging kabarkada ko xa. Yung mata ko parang gripo ng luha kung tumulo.

Sabi ko nlang, to make everything easy for her ako nalang lalayo. If changes happen I want her to be assured that I wasn't doing it because of bitterness or something. I just don't want her to worry about me. I wanted her to move freely. Then sabi nya basta walang magbabago, pero she was not really sure of the guy. Bigla kong na mention yung name nung guy, at kantsaw inabot ko sa kanya at biglang sabi na kanina lang daw di ko mamention puro "siya" sinasabi ko then ngayon daw kaya ko na raw. Comfortably she added, the guy said pa nga daw, alam ko na ba daw and nasabi na ba ni Jica sa akin and dapat daw malaman ko kasi magbestfriend daw kami ni Jica. Then we laughed it out nalang but damn that still hurt me. Ang weird namin noh! Iyakan then tawanan pagkatapos.

After that... for days laylow muna pero magkasama pa rin kami kc kaklase kami eh. Then intramurals came. Kami magkasama nun... I saw her sa school and I asked her bakit xa lang mag isa nasan na manliligaw nya. Sabi niya nasa bahay daw nila, then she was nagging out na di daw siya sinamahan. Ako naman as the bestfriend daw nya sabi ko baka may important lang na inasikaso or something pero di pa rin xa tumigil dami pa din sinasabi. Sabi ko why don't she text him, sabi nya naman bka daw pupunta yun pero kinahaponan pa.

Nakaupo kami sa bench nun, ang sarap ng ihip ng hangin ang tahi-tahimik ng paligid na you barely hear the cheers over the soccerfield ( we were about 50 meters or less away from the field), magkatabi kami. She laid and lean on my shoulders while we were exchanging words silently.Sa isip ko nun... "bakit ngayon pa to nangyayari". Then I just lean my head to hers comfortably.

Though nakakainis man nung time na yun kc kung sino sino ung iniisip nya, I just enjoyed the moment with her.

Silent times together

2006-08-04T12:46:00.000+08:00

There was this time when everything seemed to fall in place... I think this was one of the two that I've gone this near.

After months, weeks and days of being close to her, there was this cold war going on between her and a very close friend of ours. I was at her side the whole time because I knew what happened and well I know she was not to be blamed but maybe partly because of her passive nature.

A chance of knowing her more came, her mom had undergone an operation and so I thought of accompanying her in her most terrifying moments. Our barkada that time planned to go out and sweat out by doing some extreme sports, I made excuses to them just to be in the hospital.

I went there, so cold na kinakabahan, I was a bit shaking while bringing some fresh flowers for her mom. When I went there, her sister was in the lobby who just arrived too. I knew her sister, and she knew me... we were textmates actually. hehe Her sister wasn't sure if it was the room and so we were at the door step and then we knock. No one answered or opened the door but we entered still.

Jica (Jigh - kah) arrived with her tita. She was surprised though upon seeing me but not totally because i texted her that i'll be coming but she didn't expect that i'd be bringing something aside from my lame excuse of returning some notes i borrowed.

The operation has just ended daw and she was talking about what happened while the operation was on the process, she wasn't feeling well daw but it was okey especially that her tita was around. She was saying that kawawa daw mom nya and the spinal anesthesia was scary. I was just there listening the whole time. She then introduced me to her tita, the bestfriend of her mom. Her tita was the mom pala of one of the crush ng campus in our school (highschool/college), i would have not known til she said so. I just gave out a smile to her tita, and my mind started to say something... "it doesn't seemed like, she was her mom". The mom was so simple totally different from her daughter.

A knock on the door caught jica's attention and she then stood up to open it. It was the wardman, he was assisting jica's mom as she was transfered from the recovery room to the private room we were in. I just smiled when she arrived as she saw me and Jica introduced me "Ma, si yuri po". It was such a weird feeling, and it was just not so me I was totally silent. Her mom smiled in return while jica was scanning her mom's phone for her mom to read the new messages. Her mom saw the flowers on top of the cabinet and ask Jica where it was from. She then told her that it was from me and her mom thank me and said it was nice. Well I trust my taste, I know I have a good one... it was a set of callalily (all white). I smiled.

Uhm I only saw her mom once prior to this incident. We were heading to get a ride that night when we passed by her mom. We weren't really introduced back then it was only in the hospital where I had a better look at her mom and her mom to me but it seemed her mom knew me because she was makwento to me about jica.

I was there until it was already dark. Her mom's friend then arrived and told Jica to come with him to buy food and I was also asked by Jica to go with them and so I went. I was at the backseat and Jica was in the passenger seat. They were talking a lot about something and me, I was lurking at the back trying to find any that can catch my attention. They seemed so close and enjoyed their talking while me I was busy kinukulit lang ang phone ko, running through my contacts, checking the messages on my inbox and that's it.

Then the car suddenly stopped... I was asked by her tito to stay inside the car while they get the food. I said okey, while inside with nothing to do,I found myself looking through the tinted window and it seemed they were making kulitan to each other, what a sad life i thought... I was left alone. Not too long when they went back to the car bringing the food and her tito then asked me how was I and I replied in one phrase "okey lang" again.
He then said taht he thought I was a cousin of Jica and I just smiled hearing that while on my mind.... "Kaya na man pala ganun nlang xa kakumportableng iwan ako at pabantasyan sasakyan nya" i thought. We then went back to the hospital.

I was quite uncomfortable to be there, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo0000000 awkward. Pipilitin kang kumain.... jahe kaya yun but okey din c Jica nagseserve eh. hahahaha. After I left her mom texted me and thanked me for dropping by (dropping by pa kaya yung almost 5 hours?)
and for the flowers I brought da... she really loved it daw and appreciate the gesture. I was surprised by the text coming from her mom and I replied with all modesty and humility. hehe "you're welcome po. get well soon". I then texted Jica nah her mom texted and sabi ko kakahiya namn yun.

2 days after that I texted Jica, I was thinking why don't I spend my time studying with her while binabantayan nya mom nya but she replied na her mom was already discharged. So sabi ko okey next time nlang.

Then one morning her mom texted me, she was asking if i can accompany her daughter to do the grocery because she can't do it. I was delighted with that, fluttered to be honest and sa isip ko sabi ko "Naks! ang lakas ko sa mommy nya grabeh!", then i texted her nah yun nga her mom asked me to and reply nya was kapal daw ng mom nya to text me and so i defended by saying okey lang namn yun.

Ayun we had a discussion through text a little and na papayag din. So we went to robinsons to do the grocery, she was asked to buy batteries for her younger brother's toy and we had discussion on what battery to buy kc sabi nya rectangular daw ung lalagyan pero kc ung voltage na kailangan was that of the big round one. After a bit of an arguement we ended up not buying any batteries. I carryied the bags of course buti nalang maarte xa at nag taxi kami pauwi. nyahahaha it was heavy but it was fine. Her mom was there at home and Jica kept on nagging, nakakahiya daw kc. I was wearing a smile silently while keeping myself busy lurking around. I help her then to take out what we got from the grocery, and i said to her na okey lang tlga yun but she insisted na di tlga okey yun.

So i changed the topic, sabi ko saan na yung toy tingnan namin what kind of battery bah, when i saw it rectangular nga lalagyan pero i knew then na yung round on tlga kailangan... when we opened it i lauged in mind and look at her with a question mark (sarcasm) on the face... hehe.. then i said to her na sabi ko na nga ba yung round, then she was silent.

Then I waited for her while watching television because she was inside her mom's room, I didn't care that time how long she was inside since i was watching ung sa UAAP cheerdance competition.

Then she went out of the room saying "Yuri oh!" refering to her kilay coz her mom reshaped it(sorry don't know the right term)... sabi ko okey lang yan... and at the back of mind "maganda ka parin namn eh". So I went on with what I was watching when she said that we should be going kc we have to attend our class pa. So I turned off the television and off we go with her mom saying thank you to me and me as usual smiled.

During that time parang xa lang tlga focus ko, walang barkada. Then there was this activity in the covered courts when i saw my other kabarkada they were asking me how was I and questions that left me speechless as in literally i don't know what to say more, I dont know what more excuses should i say just to cover what kept me busy. I am a private person and i know how ironic it is when i am writing everything now.

Anyway, without them knowing what was going on between me and Jica, they told me about the what everyone was up to and to my surprise...

to be continued muna...

Someone new... not really

2006-08-02T20:57:00.000+08:00

Well, after falling out of love years ago a new prospect came... not totally new because I've known her since first year college but encouter was never that significant... after all we were just two new freshmen in our school.

I remember during enrollment, she was walking through the lobby heading towards my direction, I thought of her as my neighbor, they look much a like. I had second thoughts though because our neighbor was ahead of our batch.

Anyway, first day of school to my surprise, we were classmates but i never really care to be honest. I was more excited being with some old pals from highschool and she has her own group of friends too. Well we live and spend our first year in college with different paths but late that year we became cheatmates, seatmates i mean. Normal seatmates we are, nothing more nothing less than seating right next to each other. Sophomore was nothing much aside from being friends with her. We talk, I knew somethings bout her but not much though.... we were in the same group during our physics class but I was busy back then digging for another girl or maybe not. hehehe. It was just those crushes thing not a step closer to courting, i guess with this cute girl which I was attached (We were classmates in all our subjects) with since first year.

I recall her existance but not his presence during the early years in college, nothing really significant about her. This past year, we became close for whatever reason. Oh now i recall. There was this reshuffling thing going on in our college and that thing made our old class bonded well. I dont know but we tend to be closer to each other as a barkada and then the next thing that happened, we were teased to each other (but not that loud only a few).

Well u know teasing... I can still remember one time we watch a gig with some of our friends then we went to get someone because he was late to get in. As we stood we were teased. Hahahaha what the hell were they thinking... then what happened next was we watched "Can This Be Love" with some peers... mooshy i know, but it wasn't a date... it was one of the groups movie trip. Though after that, we exchanged text messages but not really that often and i never realize that it wasn't her who does the responding thing, It was a friend of hers.

Then the next semester (2nd sem), I was not assigned to a particular class (oh gahd! this is a revelation) and I had to choose between two classes and I chose where she was in. Then we bacame classmates, there were 3 of us who came from our old block but we were the once who got close because the other one seemed to be so convenient with the block and had bonding with a girl.... oh i mean other classmates that he's interested with.

Then we talk a lot from then on... text messages... telebabad and bonding as some call it, friendly bonding that is. feelings pops out and walah! fallig in love.

Well since then I knew almost everything about her, unless she's not telling the truth to me. I know she know's how i felt but never did i really told her that i love her... i guess.. like any other torpe guy... i drop all the signals in the world. I know she knows it anyway...

Crazy things I did: *thinking*

this is in random order....

1. Borrowing some testtubes and other stuffss from her and making excuses... as i planned to give her something ( a small bear which i guess is an accessory for the mobile foneand some small cube beads with her name on it) ... then escaping from a study session and went to the hospital where she was having duty and waited til 10pm just to return it to her. - Sad part she joined her group going home because one of her mates has this car and so i was left and went back to McDonald's where we had our study session that night.

2. Prior to a study session, I texted her and I said I was outside of their house to bring a lyric sheet of the song "The Day You Said Goodnight" ... pretty lame reason to be there... of course not just the reason... hehe then she didn't bought the idea and so i said... i'll leave the sheet at their gate and she can get it coz I was leaving nah. She said thank you and she never expected daw that I was there.

well that's all that I can recall for now. Hmm... and i'm tired writing.

Torpe... looking for definition

2006-07-30T15:02:00.000+08:00

let's define torpe...

The word is not in the dictionary, torpe can be a noun or an adjective but it doesn't matter it boils down to one meaning.

We often hear this word, it is one of those words in the filipino slang which we often hear in the streets. I went to google, to check whether there is such word and there is but it's a spanish term i guess... I forgot.

Anyway, I solicited ideas from others... one said it is used to describe someone who can't dare to express his/her feelings to the person he/she likes... yeah right this is the definition that i knew but it is more often addressed to guys and not the ladies.

Another said (pause) I can't be bias and got to write it , me being torpe... *sigh* yeah right?! but i guess I am or I have to just to admit even just in silence.

hmmm how would sound like?! never mind.

Note:

This blog is not just all about torpe 101 but also anything that i feel saying... i mean writing. At least on paper *biggrin*