revelations made no difference

for so long i wanted to tell her about the blog and what i wanted is for her to see it with me but it seemed impossible with us in different schools and not seeing each other for the longest time i guess and so i thought of a way. I want to see her reaction in all honesty but i wasn't really ready in letting her view it. one night i felt ready because the more i prolonged this, the more i am in agony atleast i wouldn't think of any fantasies afterwards. i asked for a sign as usual... and i got it and so go without any hesitations, actually with all the hesitations but i guess i made up my mind whatever the sign says i'll follow and i got 3 yes' and so off i went (ym becoz she was online then).

me: uhm jix, may headphones and cam ka?
me: kayo nah? (refering to some guy on her avatar)
jica: yupz.. meron akong cam and headphones
jica: nopez.. hindi kami...
me: invite me to your cam beh
jica: hindi ako nagcacam oi
me: ?
jica: ehehehe
me: cge nah
me: then meron akong ipapakita
jica: ayoko noh
jica: bakit?
jica: kaw nalang mag cam
me: cge na
jica: ayoko
me: cam
jica: hehehe
jica: kaw nalang nga
me: ahh then wag nalang
jica: sus
me: bahala ka
me: maypapabasa sana ako sayo
me: but i want to see you reading it

we argued like tag of war... i don't know i know shouldn't be forcing her but as the days goes by i think i had the gutts to force her to and confident enough that she'd give in... and i guess I was darn right.

jica: cge na
jica: ano ba yan ha?
jica: wait lang
jica: hahahaha
jica: di ko gusto nah
me: uhm okey
me: na what?
jica: pwede wag mo kong tingnan?
jica: ipa read mo nlang ako
jica: hahaha
me: hindi
jica: ano ba yan tlga ha?
me: basta
jica: nah
jica: di ko gusto tinitingnan ako nah
jica: makita ako nah
me: cge nah
jica: nahhhhh
jica: bout what yan?
me: basta
jica: ayokong makita nga
jica: sige na nga
me: kung gusto mo after this di na ako mangungulit ever
jica: huh?
jica: ano ba yan oi?
jica: mangulit na?
me: wag mong ioff cam ha hanggang matapos mong basahin
jica: okies

then i gave her the URL...

me: uhm cge
me: http://coinedtorpe.blogspot.com
me: opened it
me: and read it ha
jica: okies
me: hehe
jica: sayo yan?
me: basta read it
jica: wait muna ha
me: okey
jica: talk muna me ng tita ko sa fone
me: okey

i was just staring at the box with her on cam... she was on the fone then returned it then went back to the monitor...

jica: etong too blind to see?
me: lahat

she read a few then she reacted in defense on one of the post i previously posted...

jica: hey... i really fell asleep that night
jica: sakit ko na kaya yan
jica: and i have a lot of things to think about
me: later mo na idefend self mo beh just read
jica: so nakatulog na ako
jica: im sowee if i kept you waiting
jica: *sad face emoticon*
me: okey lang yan basta just read... everything happened..

she tried to defend again but didn't mind it nlang because i want her to read.... and i was just staring at the box and saw all her expressions... not bad she was so serious hooking on the monitor and me as i've said just staring with a blank mind... i didn't worry at all of what will be the outcome... but then i asked...

me: naiinis ka na?
jica: hindi naman
jica: kung nakatawa ako or nakasmile it doesn't mean it's because of what you read
jica: meron lang ako ka ym

i was bombed by this... what was that for... everything just shut down... i don't it wasn't clear to me what she was really trying to say but all i felt was that it hit me hard... as in like to the point that i wanted to burst out all the pain that i felt that moment but i tried not to... i tried to strong and tried to be sarcastic in away... but i was really weakened by it...

me: so?
me: thanks ha
me: nyc one

she then replied in response to somewhat unusual way of speaking... i hope she felt that and i really thought so...

jica: hoi
jica: napano ka?

but she didn't

jica: it doesn't mean na sa'yo yung feelings ko na nakatawa
jica: ka ym ko lang tita ko

and with that all i said was...

me: yeah got what you meant

and exited her cam with no hesitation... i was just not so good... minutes passed and she mack me me and jokingly said...

jica: tulogan ba ako?
jica: hmph
jica: anyweiz, juz finished reading
jica: uhhhm... and i don't know what to say
jica: i'm sorry you got hurt coz of me
jica: manhid lang talaga ako
jica: im sorry
jica: and yu... thanks... for being there...

it was fine reading those words from her but the next lines seemed contrary it hurt like sh*t...

jica: ...based on what you wrote... what you went through wasn't easy...
jica: sorry for causing you too much pain and hassles
jica: i realized now that you have done a lot of things for me
jica: thank you
jica: so much
jica: i just am so sorry
jica: i really have hurt a lot of people without me knowing sana you told me that you felt that way.. that you were hurting.. eh di sana di na ako nag do ng things that could hurt you more
jica: sorry talaga
jica: ...........................
jica: okies

those words really stabbed me like hell... i didn't reply as not say something bad... i just kept my silence until the pain ceased a bit.... the next day i thought of replying i don't want to make an impression that after everything said and done i'll be gone, be a coward and not face any of the verdict...

me: there's nothing to be sorry about
jica: meron noh
jica: di ko tlga na notice
jica: sorry
me: pinabasa ko lang yun
me: wala lang para mashare ko lang i mean i guess i owe you something
me: ako hindi ako nagshashare
me: kaw nagshashare
me: so that's it
me: nothing more
jica: hahayz
jica: sinabi mo sana para di naako nagshare kung makakahurt lang yun
jica: sorry
me: it's my choice don't blame yourself
jica: hahay
me: those were just write ups don't mind it
jica: but it was what you felt
me: so....
me: and besides dati pa yun
jica: basta
jica: sorry
jica: kahit pa dati pa yun
me: it was a learning experience jix
me: no regrets at all
jica: pero... thank you pa rin

then we hopped into another topic... i just don't like to hear all the drama of sorry because no matter how many sorry i could hear from her it doesn't make any difference... i was hurt, i was dumped ( in i don't know way) and basically that's it. i'm done i guess.