Pretension? not at all.

I just couldn't believe I just did that. What the hell was I thinking?! Now with that I can be excommunicated in no time, I can't imagine I myself had submitted to this. urgh! Now what? I asked myself, what more can I say? Babawiin ko kaya i thought for a while.

jica: hay naku!
jica: magalit bah

hearing that or in this case reading what she just replied was a relief in my part atleast she still talk to me and now i'm left with the decision, whether to hold on to what I've said or not. I was silent the whole time thinking what to say next. Hala! nag sign out xa, that then left me a question in mind, galit ba xa? or did she just thought and believe that I was damn serious with what I said. Hmmm... I kept my silence for 3 days... I left my ym opened while I watch television, when I went back infront of my pc...

jica: uy!! galit ka pa?

naku! now i got an answer to the question i had these past few days... and i guess di xa galit. So "before this gets worst, i should be saying something" i thought to myself, but "it should be something that doesn't imply that everything was fine and that I was blurting words and didn't really mean anything" Coz' I really mean everything.

me: have you told your mom?
me: have you told your dad?
me: ?

no response from her but her status is still online. It was confusing to my part, I just don't have any idea does she feel with the arguement. The same question was raised again in mind. I she mad at me or something? hahayz a week or so passed by...

jica: buzz!
me: hi
jica: pssst

oops! did I say hi! nyahahaha I did not keep my word, I mean not for long...

jica: hi yur
jica: yehey
jica: kinakausap mo na ko
jica: ehehehe
jica: *wink and big grin emoticon*
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: ?
jica: *hug emoticon*
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: ikaw lang naman cguro yung person na kayang di makipag usap
jica: kawawa ko naman
jica: huhuhuhu
me: bitaw .... di ba totoo?
jica: di noh
jica: depende sa tao yun... pero sa'yo nagtry naman ako nagtalk ah
jica: nag buzz kaya ako
jica: hmph
jica: special ka kaya
jica: ehehehehehe
me: nyahahahahaha

"nambola pa toh" i was saying at the back of my mind... but it felt good hearing it from her though.

me: *sticked-out-tongue emoticon*
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: pinipili mo lang pala yung kinakausap mo?
me: hehe
jica: uhuh
jica: ehehe
me: ngek
me: di mo nga ako pinansin dun sa _____ (basta kainan xa)
jica: i smiled oi
jica: ang bad mo naman
jica: hmph
jica: di mo ko na notice
me: hala! di kaya
jica: huhuhuhuhuhu
me: tumingin namn ako sa'yo eh
me: pero nagtalk kayo
me: baka mapahiya lang ako

yes i did look at her pero parang wala lang sa kanya that I was standing infront of their table kc I got water from the fountain, kaya tumalikod nlang ako then went back to our table. Takot ako baka mapahiya lang ako, as i've said kaya nya di kausapin ang isang tao kahit for a lifetime pa. Hmmm...

jica: oi i smiled
jica: hahayz
me: *sticked_out-tongue emoticon*
me: wala
jica: i smiled oi
jica: di mo cguro nakita
jica: baka di ka sa akin nakatingin
jica: ehehe
jica: joke
jica: *sticked-out tongue emoticon*
me: nyahahahahha
jica: hahahaha
jica: bitaw

and then I change the topic and everything went okey nah... I did just hoped na sana I didn't hear anything from her nalang it just made me hope she meant everything she just said.

painful arguement

Everytime she experience pain, as in literal pain that is... she has this heart deffect and I am revealing it right now to you without her permission... sorry jix. Anyway i won't ellaborate on that, but she tells me whenever it hurts and every single moment it does... same conversation happens, more or less same discussion.

And this one is not an exception... it's a discussion through yahoo messenger.

jica : help!!! masakit na naman heart ko...
me: kaw tlga
me: sus... naku!
jice: not my fault
jica: hahayz

i can't help but argue... and she can't help but to make lame excuses...

me: not your fault?
me: di ka pumupunta sa doktor para magpacheck-up
me: kc busy ka or for whatever reason you can grasp on
me: di mo din sinasabi sa mommy at daddy mo that you are in pain
jica: my mom and dad knows noh
me: di ka umiinom ng medications mo sometimes
jica: nagrereklamo na nga ako ngayon eh
me: *sticked-out-tongue emoticon*
me : sure?
jica: but august pa ako mag papacheck-up
jica: kung may oras ako
jica: ehehehehe
jica: yeah
jica: im sure
jica: hahayz
me: why august pa kung pwede naman this saturday?
jica: busy kc this sat
jica: may GA
me: so?
jica: and besides ung doctor august pa darating
me: oh really
jica: sa august pa... cguro
me: ciguro ha

i replied with a bit of sarcastic tone..
she cut the conversation...

jica: kainis na lost na namn ako
jica: share again beh
jica: ehehehe
jica: wag kang mainis ha
jica: baka naiinis ka na ha
jica: *big-grin emoticon*
me: yan lang lahat ung pix

we were having photosharing simultaneosly kasi...

jica: thanks yu
jica: ehehe
me: np
jica: meron pa yu
jica: yung tau tatlo ni jen
me: ah okey
jica: ehehe
jica: gotta go yu
jica: thanks
jica: ingatz
jica: *hug emoticon*
me: okey
me: bye
me: ngatz

the topic was dropped and she went away with it... but there was this one incident prior to this which is something I can't believe I did. hehehe i guess she learned from it and i felt better with it.

After a discussion on Sam Milby (her crush), which I can't believe is enormously in hype but shouldn't be... she then said:

jica: yu masakit na tlga xa
me: sabihin mo sa dad mo
jica: wag nah... kaya pa naman
jica: pareho lang dati
me: sige na sabihin mo na
me: atleast aware xa
me: sige ka ako magtetext sa mom mo
jica: WAG... (she exclaimed)
jica: PLEASE!!! ( she begged)
me: sige na sabihin mo na sa daddy mo
jica: wag na
jica: okey lang ako
jica: ehehehehe
me: sabihan mo muna
me: sige na
jica: wag na nga eh

she demanded... aw i forgot she is the type that doesn't want to be demanded and i'm taking all the risk to be excommunicated by her for the rest of my life.

me: sabihan mo lang atleast alam nila na sumasakit pa rin yan
me: sabihan mo
me: pleas
me: e
jica: okies
jica: ehehehe
jica: okey lang tlga ako
me: okey ka lang nga
me: pero kailangan nila malaman na sumasakit pa din no matter makaya pa o hindi na
jica: okey lang yan
jica: pwomiz

she tried assuring me but i insisted.

me: sus..
jica: oo nga
jica: *wink emoticon*
me: *rolling-eyeballs emoticon*
me: ayaw mo?

i ask her furiously and i added,

me: ako magsasabi
jica: nah
jica: wag nga sabi
me: bahala na
jica: dami ng iniisip ng mama ko

she pleaded... but it didn't stop there... I was worried really and I know I can't do anything with me being at home and her there, the pain was intermittent but when it occurs it is persistent i guess...

me: sa dad mo nalang
jica: wag na
me: sige na
me: do you think di mag aalala mom mo kung lumala na yan?
me: sige na
jica: hindi na nga
me: sige na

it ended there... she didn't reply... the next day though...

me: *taas-kilay emoticon*
me: bahala ka
jica: oo nga
jica: hahayz
me: anong oo nga?
jica: ok na ako
jica: hehehe
me: okey ka na pero di mo pa rin sinasabi
jica: uhuh (confident na sumagot)
me: *arms-crossed-over-the-chest emoticon*
me: wag mo ko kausapin ha.. hanggang di mo pa sinasabi sa kanila

OMG! what have i done (at the back of mind) malamang di na ako kausapin shoot!... maprinsipyo kasing tao eh... kung di mo xa kakausapin di ka rin nya kakausapin...
i hope not i then thought.

friends friends friends... ouch!

All the while, Jica and Sam were teased to each other by peers. No mattere how I wanted to drop the subject in mind, my heart doesn't want to. I tried not to listen and kept myself busy to whatever i can grasp around every moment i hear them teased. Yeah right, when u get hurt something inside shutts off... I kept myself in silence and tried to act as if i'm not affected in any way i could.

Everytime these happens I feel bad but what can I do? everybody was rooting for them.When they are being teased, Jica would just smile at them as if she indeed like it. Each time i see her that way, i was as if nowhere to be found. I just sit back like stranger to them. You wouldn't hear anything from me except a direct answer if asked of something.

She would then constantly asked me If I was okey?... she then would say sorry and that she knows i got hurt... she damn care how i feel and everytime she does that, i just hate it. I just hate hearing her because it kills me. It just kills me. It makes me feel better-- yes but i just don't want her to feel sorry... I don't want her to feel accountable to something she has no control on. I just don't like this, because it makes me fall for her more.

I received this note from her after a day of teasing.

"Hi Yuri! Remember when I told you I was happy? It's true that i am. And you know why? First because i've learned to appreciate those people who care for me; and you are one of them. Thanks again. :) second, it's because many people are making me smile! :) and third is because im making other people happy! :) But then despite of that happiness, i still feel sadness and maybe some sort of emptiness... oh well ! You know what makes me sad? Hmm... im sad because at the expense of my hapiness, someone is hurting. And because you're my friend and one my closest now, i don't want you to get hurt... I'm trying yur... trying not to hurt you and if possible ease the pain that you're feeling... because I care yur! Because you're my friend... And like you, i hope that the hurt you feel would eventually go away... And it would be of great joy to me if i see you happy :) But then again I don't want you to suppress what you feel. If you're happy, show it. If you're sad and hurting then say it. Okey lang yan. Promise! I'll understand... I'll try... I don't want to lose you too.. I don't want to lose a good friend! I've lost so many people in my life and I don't want you to be one of them. Basta yu, i'll always be here.. I'll always be your friend... :) jica"

I hate reading this note... It stabs my heart back and forth... friend friend friend paulit ulit...
It hurt even more knowing that we are okey... we care for each other... we don't want to lose each other and all we could ever have is friendship.

First and last

I knew a day before that our block will be watching a movie but I was convinced not to. I don't know what came to my mind when I texted Jica if she wanted to watch the movie but then she said, "You know naman eh na di ako sasama" and she will be meeting a classmate of ours to return a book she borrowed. Yeah I knew that because of the cold war that was going on between a close friend of hers na andun din. So I said to her na I too won't be coming but If she wanted to we will watch nalang but not with them. We then agreed to meet at Dunkin' Donuts, their meeting place. She then decided to invite our classmate to come with and watch the movie and sumama naman kaya okey na din, I guess that made her comfortable.

Then after the movie, our classmate left us both because she daw needs to go home nah. We then ate somewhere i forgot the place, actually i'm confused between two establishments anyway we just talk and before we went home she got the receipt and wrote something. She then gave it to me... I never read it til i got home. I then accompany her to get a ride then when her ride left i texted her "Thanks ha. Take Care sa pag-uwi. text me if u get home" and i headed on a separate way home.

On the receipt, it said... " Hi Yuri. Keep this ha. I'll look for this when time comes... hehe... Thanks for everything... Hehe :) The movie was nice... weird at the same time nice... Uhmmm.. Hope we'll be friends forever! Take Care & God bless... jica :)"

I thought it was the end of the day when i was bombarded with text messages of questions and deceit... it was karen who texted me she asked me where I was and asked why didn't I watch with them.... I simply answered I was at home and I went somewhere... she then said na nakakaano daw dahil di ako sumama and she was saying things to the point of nagging. So I explained with all excuses but didn't told the truth because I just don't like na pag pyestahan then maybe she then realized that she's over reacting... she then said sorry.

Another person texted me remember, the friend of jica, Rikka whom she had cold war with... yeah she texted me also... she was in fire like a dragon... well that's her personality so i understood... then she begun asking me questions again... and she knew that we watched a movie... she questioned me why didn't we watch with them so sabi ko wala lang... of course I can't say to her that Jica doesn't want to see her or i don't want to be with her... and I can't also say that I want to spend time alone with jica... so i ended up dumb... saying wala lang. Sabi pa nya ung nag invite daw manood ng sine was Sam ung reportedly nanliligaw kay Jica.... sa isip ko i sadi "eh ano naman kung xa nagyaya?" pero di ko na rin pinansin mga hirit nya.

Then may humirit pa nag text parang pinakonxenxa ako... reply ko naman... "kailangan ba lahat ng galaw ko sabihin ko sa nyo? kailangan ba kasama kau, i have my own life cguro" parang ganun thought ng reply ko... kaya ayun natauhan at nag sorry pero ung si Rikka di nagpapaawat at nagmamatigas tlga... though may point xa pero malabo eh.

Di kami nagpa-awat sa nangyari... While I was watching 51st dates (fave nya na movie) on HBO bigla lang niyaya ko na namn manood ng movie... ayun nood kami and kami lang tlga dalawa.. officially that was our first date and 50 to go... nyahahahaa joke. We watch "The Perfect Catch", uhm serious kami nanood and un "pasulyap sulyap kunwari patingin tingin sa kanya" hehe nyc ung feeling kaya... and naaaliw ako tumitingin sa kanya eh, I just can't help but stare at her.

When we went out sa movie house... papalabas na kami nung mall when our classmate (ung kasama namin manood the other day) approach us. Nagkagulatan pa... tawang tawa kami sabi nga namin baka mahuli pa kami tatlo ulit at awayin na naman kami. Basta may mga kakilala kaming nabumped sa paglabas namin ng mall.

Then we then when to Red Ribbon para kumain... Nyc ng feeling sobra. It was happiness na ewan overwhelming yung tipong pwede ka na mamatay kinabukasan. So we ate sa red ribbon... ayun kwentuhan ng kahit ano... then before we went out nagsulat na naman xa sa receipt and it said...

"Ei yuri! Thanks a lot... I really enjoyed the day... :) Nice pa yung movie... "The Perfect Catch"... remember the line from the movie... it goes something like this.. " sometimes when you get hurt (nakaunderline) so bad something just shuts off (nakaunderline) inside..." hehehehe... wala lang.. Cge take care always! God Bless.. :) Hope we'll be happy (",) always, Jica"

The line she qouted was what happens to her pag nasasaktan xa.

That was the first and last time we were together alone and one of the happiest i've ever been.
From then on I carry the letter on my wallet, hoping that I won't disappoint her when she will be looking for it. Hoping that she'll remember that she gave me one or maybe just remember that that day existed.

Unpleasant surprise and Hurtful lies

....continuation

after months of not being with my other kabarkadas an interugation of some sort happened. I was asked tons of questions and I heard a couple of updates on my other blockmates. There was this one thing that surprised me someone was courting Jica daw and worst like no other one exaggerated news was they were into each other. Ayun na heartbroken bigla, but still nothing seemed has changed magkasama pa rin kami we talk a lot, we still exchange text messages and telebabad. I didn't take it against my friends because they didn't really know what's going on between me and her, i thank them somehow atleast i got the news earlier.

One text message surprised me asking how was I feeling daw... Jica's old friend. I replied "okey lang namn" and ask what she's up to I knew her friend was talking about the so called buzz but I just replied as if okey lang tlga pero deep inside... "Shoot ang sakit nah kaya".

Di ko pinakita na affected ako and infront of her it was as if i didn't hear anything from other people. Well it didn't matter. As long as we are in good terms, we get along and everything seemed okey, whatever happened outside doesn't matter.

Until one night came I didn't know how did I arrive at their house or why was I there. All I can remember was we were talking seriously. We were standing there over the moonlight, it was silent and there she was on the other side of gate and me on the other. All I remember now is that I asked her if she was okey when I knew she wasn't. She insists that she was but I just keep on staring at her, looking at her teary eye. I ask her to look at me but she couldn't. I told her, I won't be leaving until she's really okey.

She was making kulit din of me being okey just to alleviate the awkward feeling of me staring at her... asking me if I was and if did I heard anything from other people, all i did was to deny. I chose to.

Like any other day, I called her up when I was already home and like any other day she made me kulit that I wanted to share something and me too asked her if she had something to share. I said none and i also got the same answer from her. She asked me if I heard anything from other people. I said none and asked her why is there anything that i should know. I waited for her to speak first about it before I will react or something.

She started, she said that i might knew it already but she want me to hear it from her. It was one of the most awkward moments kahit sa phone lang. She was explaining but not straight to the point, no mentioning of names. She told me she was uncomfortable talking bout it but tried to gather strength to say it in the most subtle way. She said she doesn't know how wud i react. She said she don't want to hurt me. On the other line, my tears just fell down, it hurt badly while she was talking. I then told her it was fine with me. If she likes him then she why don't she give him the chance and all. I was trying to hide what I felt that moment. She tried to interrupt me by saying "pero she doesn't want to hurt me daw" "pero she is not sure of this and that". I told her I wanted her to be happy and I don't want to be the reason why she can't move or do what she wants to do. There was no mentioning of names that time, I admit I can't mention the name of the guy at that moment, naiinis ako what made it hurt more I knew the guy naging kabarkada ko xa. Yung mata ko parang gripo ng luha kung tumulo.

Sabi ko nlang, to make everything easy for her ako nalang lalayo. If changes happen I want her to be assured that I wasn't doing it because of bitterness or something. I just don't want her to worry about me. I wanted her to move freely. Then sabi nya basta walang magbabago, pero she was not really sure of the guy. Bigla kong na mention yung name nung guy, at kantsaw inabot ko sa kanya at biglang sabi na kanina lang daw di ko mamention puro "siya" sinasabi ko then ngayon daw kaya ko na raw. Comfortably she added, the guy said pa nga daw, alam ko na ba daw and nasabi na ba ni Jica sa akin and dapat daw malaman ko kasi magbestfriend daw kami ni Jica. Then we laughed it out nalang but damn that still hurt me. Ang weird namin noh! Iyakan then tawanan pagkatapos.

After that... for days laylow muna pero magkasama pa rin kami kc kaklase kami eh. Then intramurals came. Kami magkasama nun... I saw her sa school and I asked her bakit xa lang mag isa nasan na manliligaw nya. Sabi niya nasa bahay daw nila, then she was nagging out na di daw siya sinamahan. Ako naman as the bestfriend daw nya sabi ko baka may important lang na inasikaso or something pero di pa rin xa tumigil dami pa din sinasabi. Sabi ko why don't she text him, sabi nya naman bka daw pupunta yun pero kinahaponan pa.

Nakaupo kami sa bench nun, ang sarap ng ihip ng hangin ang tahi-tahimik ng paligid na you barely hear the cheers over the soccerfield ( we were about 50 meters or less away from the field), magkatabi kami. She laid and lean on my shoulders while we were exchanging words silently.Sa isip ko nun... "bakit ngayon pa to nangyayari". Then I just lean my head to hers comfortably.

Though nakakainis man nung time na yun kc kung sino sino ung iniisip nya, I just enjoyed the moment with her.

Silent times together

There was this time when everything seemed to fall in place... I think this was one of the two that I've gone this near.

After months, weeks and days of being close to her, there was this cold war going on between her and a very close friend of ours. I was at her side the whole time because I knew what happened and well I know she was not to be blamed but maybe partly because of her passive nature.

A chance of knowing her more came, her mom had undergone an operation and so I thought of accompanying her in her most terrifying moments. Our barkada that time planned to go out and sweat out by doing some extreme sports, I made excuses to them just to be in the hospital.

I went there, so cold na kinakabahan, I was a bit shaking while bringing some fresh flowers for her mom. When I went there, her sister was in the lobby who just arrived too. I knew her sister, and she knew me... we were textmates actually. hehe Her sister wasn't sure if it was the room and so we were at the door step and then we knock. No one answered or opened the door but we entered still.

Jica (Jigh - kah) arrived with her tita. She was surprised though upon seeing me but not totally because i texted her that i'll be coming but she didn't expect that i'd be bringing something aside from my lame excuse of returning some notes i borrowed.

The operation has just ended daw and she was talking about what happened while the operation was on the process, she wasn't feeling well daw but it was okey especially that her tita was around. She was saying that kawawa daw mom nya and the spinal anesthesia was scary. I was just there listening the whole time. She then introduced me to her tita, the bestfriend of her mom. Her tita was the mom pala of one of the crush ng campus in our school (highschool/college), i would have not known til she said so. I just gave out a smile to her tita, and my mind started to say something... "it doesn't seemed like, she was her mom". The mom was so simple totally different from her daughter.

A knock on the door caught jica's attention and she then stood up to open it. It was the wardman, he was assisting jica's mom as she was transfered from the recovery room to the private room we were in. I just smiled when she arrived as she saw me and Jica introduced me "Ma, si yuri po". It was such a weird feeling, and it was just not so me I was totally silent. Her mom smiled in return while jica was scanning her mom's phone for her mom to read the new messages. Her mom saw the flowers on top of the cabinet and ask Jica where it was from. She then told her that it was from me and her mom thank me and said it was nice. Well I trust my taste, I know I have a good one... it was a set of callalily (all white). I smiled.

Uhm I only saw her mom once prior to this incident. We were heading to get a ride that night when we passed by her mom. We weren't really introduced back then it was only in the hospital where I had a better look at her mom and her mom to me but it seemed her mom knew me because she was makwento to me about jica.

I was there until it was already dark. Her mom's friend then arrived and told Jica to come with him to buy food and I was also asked by Jica to go with them and so I went. I was at the backseat and Jica was in the passenger seat. They were talking a lot about something and me, I was lurking at the back trying to find any that can catch my attention. They seemed so close and enjoyed their talking while me I was busy kinukulit lang ang phone ko, running through my contacts, checking the messages on my inbox and that's it.

Then the car suddenly stopped... I was asked by her tito to stay inside the car while they get the food. I said okey, while inside with nothing to do,I found myself looking through the tinted window and it seemed they were making kulitan to each other, what a sad life i thought... I was left alone. Not too long when they went back to the car bringing the food and her tito then asked me how was I and I replied in one phrase "okey lang" again.
He then said taht he thought I was a cousin of Jica and I just smiled hearing that while on my mind.... "Kaya na man pala ganun nlang xa kakumportableng iwan ako at pabantasyan sasakyan nya" i thought. We then went back to the hospital.

I was quite uncomfortable to be there, it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo0000000 awkward. Pipilitin kang kumain.... jahe kaya yun but okey din c Jica nagseserve eh. hahahaha. After I left her mom texted me and thanked me for dropping by (dropping by pa kaya yung almost 5 hours?)
and for the flowers I brought da... she really loved it daw and appreciate the gesture. I was surprised by the text coming from her mom and I replied with all modesty and humility. hehe "you're welcome po. get well soon". I then texted Jica nah her mom texted and sabi ko kakahiya namn yun.

2 days after that I texted Jica, I was thinking why don't I spend my time studying with her while binabantayan nya mom nya but she replied na her mom was already discharged. So sabi ko okey next time nlang.

Then one morning her mom texted me, she was asking if i can accompany her daughter to do the grocery because she can't do it. I was delighted with that, fluttered to be honest and sa isip ko sabi ko "Naks! ang lakas ko sa mommy nya grabeh!", then i texted her nah yun nga her mom asked me to and reply nya was kapal daw ng mom nya to text me and so i defended by saying okey lang namn yun.

Ayun we had a discussion through text a little and na papayag din. So we went to robinsons to do the grocery, she was asked to buy batteries for her younger brother's toy and we had discussion on what battery to buy kc sabi nya rectangular daw ung lalagyan pero kc ung voltage na kailangan was that of the big round one. After a bit of an arguement we ended up not buying any batteries. I carryied the bags of course buti nalang maarte xa at nag taxi kami pauwi. nyahahaha it was heavy but it was fine. Her mom was there at home and Jica kept on nagging, nakakahiya daw kc. I was wearing a smile silently while keeping myself busy lurking around. I help her then to take out what we got from the grocery, and i said to her na okey lang tlga yun but she insisted na di tlga okey yun.

So i changed the topic, sabi ko saan na yung toy tingnan namin what kind of battery bah, when i saw it rectangular nga lalagyan pero i knew then na yung round on tlga kailangan... when we opened it i lauged in mind and look at her with a question mark (sarcasm) on the face... hehe.. then i said to her na sabi ko na nga ba yung round, then she was silent.

Then I waited for her while watching television because she was inside her mom's room, I didn't care that time how long she was inside since i was watching ung sa UAAP cheerdance competition.

Then she went out of the room saying "Yuri oh!" refering to her kilay coz her mom reshaped it(sorry don't know the right term)... sabi ko okey lang yan... and at the back of mind "maganda ka parin namn eh". So I went on with what I was watching when she said that we should be going kc we have to attend our class pa. So I turned off the television and off we go with her mom saying thank you to me and me as usual smiled.

During that time parang xa lang tlga focus ko, walang barkada. Then there was this activity in the covered courts when i saw my other kabarkada they were asking me how was I and questions that left me speechless as in literally i don't know what to say more, I dont know what more excuses should i say just to cover what kept me busy. I am a private person and i know how ironic it is when i am writing everything now.

Anyway, without them knowing what was going on between me and Jica, they told me about the what everyone was up to and to my surprise...

to be continued muna...

Someone new... not really

Well, after falling out of love years ago a new prospect came... not totally new because I've known her since first year college but encouter was never that significant... after all we were just two new freshmen in our school.

I remember during enrollment, she was walking through the lobby heading towards my direction, I thought of her as my neighbor, they look much a like. I had second thoughts though because our neighbor was ahead of our batch.

Anyway, first day of school to my surprise, we were classmates but i never really care to be honest. I was more excited being with some old pals from highschool and she has her own group of friends too. Well we live and spend our first year in college with different paths but late that year we became cheatmates, seatmates i mean. Normal seatmates we are, nothing more nothing less than seating right next to each other. Sophomore was nothing much aside from being friends with her. We talk, I knew somethings bout her but not much though.... we were in the same group during our physics class but I was busy back then digging for another girl or maybe not. hehehe. It was just those crushes thing not a step closer to courting, i guess with this cute girl which I was attached (We were classmates in all our subjects) with since first year.

I recall her existance but not his presence during the early years in college, nothing really significant about her. This past year, we became close for whatever reason. Oh now i recall. There was this reshuffling thing going on in our college and that thing made our old class bonded well. I dont know but we tend to be closer to each other as a barkada and then the next thing that happened, we were teased to each other (but not that loud only a few).

Well u know teasing... I can still remember one time we watch a gig with some of our friends then we went to get someone because he was late to get in. As we stood we were teased. Hahahaha what the hell were they thinking... then what happened next was we watched "Can This Be Love" with some peers... mooshy i know, but it wasn't a date... it was one of the groups movie trip. Though after that, we exchanged text messages but not really that often and i never realize that it wasn't her who does the responding thing, It was a friend of hers.

Then the next semester (2nd sem), I was not assigned to a particular class (oh gahd! this is a revelation) and I had to choose between two classes and I chose where she was in. Then we bacame classmates, there were 3 of us who came from our old block but we were the once who got close because the other one seemed to be so convenient with the block and had bonding with a girl.... oh i mean other classmates that he's interested with.

Then we talk a lot from then on... text messages... telebabad and bonding as some call it, friendly bonding that is. feelings pops out and walah! fallig in love.

Well since then I knew almost everything about her, unless she's not telling the truth to me. I know she know's how i felt but never did i really told her that i love her... i guess.. like any other torpe guy... i drop all the signals in the world. I know she knows it anyway...

Crazy things I did: *thinking*

this is in random order....

1. Borrowing some testtubes and other stuffss from her and making excuses... as i planned to give her something ( a small bear which i guess is an accessory for the mobile foneand some small cube beads with her name on it) ... then escaping from a study session and went to the hospital where she was having duty and waited til 10pm just to return it to her. - Sad part she joined her group going home because one of her mates has this car and so i was left and went back to McDonald's where we had our study session that night.

2. Prior to a study session, I texted her and I said I was outside of their house to bring a lyric sheet of the song "The Day You Said Goodnight" ... pretty lame reason to be there... of course not just the reason... hehe then she didn't bought the idea and so i said... i'll leave the sheet at their gate and she can get it coz I was leaving nah. She said thank you and she never expected daw that I was there.

well that's all that I can recall for now. Hmm... and i'm tired writing.

Torpe... looking for definition

let's define torpe...

The word is not in the dictionary, torpe can be a noun or an adjective but it doesn't matter it boils down to one meaning.

We often hear this word, it is one of those words in the filipino slang which we often hear in the streets. I went to google, to check whether there is such word and there is but it's a spanish term i guess... I forgot.

Anyway, I solicited ideas from others... one said it is used to describe someone who can't dare to express his/her feelings to the person he/she likes... yeah right this is the definition that i knew but it is more often addressed to guys and not the ladies.

Another said (pause) I can't be bias and got to write it , me being torpe... *sigh* yeah right?! but i guess I am or I have to just to admit even just in silence.

hmmm how would sound like?! never mind.

Note:

This blog is not just all about torpe 101 but also anything that i feel saying... i mean writing. At least on paper *biggrin*